Reality Ranker

After watching only a couple minutes of Millionaire Matchmaker, I’ve found a pathway to millions. Make a heavy wooden box, place colorful plastic crap on it, and then claim that it measures salt crystals and other hooey. Then, rich idiots like Patti Stanger will hold my box and feel magically transported to zen land, but really they’re just holding onto a stupid box. It’s genius. Thanks Bravo!

Dr. Frank Stile

Who looks like his dog?

Well, Dr. Stile is my favorite kind of doctor…a plastic surgeon. Yes, he likes to look at women’s inaccuracies and figure out how to mold them into weirdo plastic pod people. As a person, he likes to wake up early like my father. The difference is is that my father doesn’t kick his wife out of bed. Frank feels that everyone should live according to his rules. He meets with one of Patti’s self-help people, Matt Bennett – Life Coach, and then is proclaimed magically fixed. He’s so miraculously better that he wakes up his date, Natalie, at 6:00 AM for a date. At least, he’s not a time waster. Then, the poor girl has to endure a Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) training session and sparring match with a professional female fighter, while Frank watched. Uber-creepy. Later on, during dinner, Natalie asks Frank questions, but damn question asking is way too much for Frank to handle.

Emma Ridley

The owner, of a pole dancing studio and former British wild child, asks Patti to get her a date. The issue with Emma is that she’s pretty happy with who she is and doesn’t want to change. She wants a certain type of man, but will have a very hard time attracting him. Patti attempts to make her over, but the make-under doesn’t stick. On her date with Kelly, she invites him to her pole dancing studio and puts on a show for him. He basically freaks out. The rest of the date is not horrible, but the mood has been squashed.

Who I Will Select

Do I want to be controlled by a guy who wakes up at 5 AM or a woman who likes to wear pink and pole dance? I say the latter. Frank would probably want to change my face or alter me in some way, which is weird, since he’s unattractive himself. Emma is just fun. Crazy as all hell, but really fun. She’s be good for a laugh, but I’d have to watch out for myself.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

Does anyone believe that Millionaire Matchmaker‘s Patti Stanger is friends with Madison? I’m assuming someone over at Bravo had the bright idea that Patti’s in LA and Madison is near LA, so he should be on her show. Anyway, this week let’s imagine that I’m a gay male and I’m looking for my prince charming. Who will I choose?

Eric Allen

The producer is an older gentleman who has issues opening his heart to equals. After meeting four men, he selects the deep-thinking Christopher. Their date overall goes very well. Eric takes Christopher horseback riding on the beach and then on to a nice dinner. The two make an adorable couple.

Madison Hildebrand

He’s young, skinny and typically is unable to sell real estate on the show Million Dollar Listing. This “lazy lion” chooses the adorable Charlie for his final date. After some beach activities and dinner, they part on a high-note, but Madison seems a bit distant. Although he praises the date, it’s clear from the ending information that he never followed through and asked Charlie out again.

My Selection

Although Eric’s a bit stiff, personality-wise, he is very nice. On the other hand, Madison seems incredibly fake and unable to make a clear decision. Even if I was as adorable as Charlie, I would want a man that was willing to find me special enough to actually set a second date. Congrats Eric!!

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

With this week’s Millionaire Matchmaker, I loved the part where chubby Destin and the new svelte Patti decided to point out how plump other women were. I know that chubby millionaire men have been on this show and rarely have they been harassed for their plumpness. When will Patti have an episode where a millionaire requests not just voluptuous women, but women who are above the normal Hollywood standard? That would be an interesting episode. Let’s move on to my choices.

Brandon Broussard

He’s a heartbroken Cajun man looking for love again. With his accent in tow, he’s become a millionaire selling t-shirts and other clothing. At the mixer, he chose to go on mini-dates with Jaclyn and Rose. They both were drama free, but he ultimately chose Jaclyn. She, of course, said “yes” to him and “no” to the other millionaire. After their adventure date and beach meal, everyone was happy, and supposedly they are madly in love.

William Stern

Where Broussard was a bit boring, in that he wasn’t crazy, William tried to make up for it. This sex-driven banker (While Patti claimed he owned a bank, he doesn’t. He’s only a Managing Director. Why so many lies on this show lately?) is obsessed with being something else, whether that is a lothario or a rich snob. Even though he had to meet with Dr. Pat Allen, who just seems like a crazy woman who makes pronouncements rather than gives any therapy, assuming someone can receive therapy in one quick visit, he still kept talking about sex and made all of the women uncomfortable. “Do you look sexy in your lab coat?” Who asks that? Despite having two horrible mini-dates with Jaclyn and Tammy, and being turned down by Jaclyn, he got to go out with Fahara. After the silly polo lesson date, he actually connected with her. I don’t see it lasting, but maybe he’s taking good baby steps in the right direction.

My Selection

I find neither of them attractive or really that interesting, but I would definitely go with Brandon. He seemed nice and genuine. He just would have to swear not to force me to go hang gliding or any other such nonsense. I like to stay safe, while on a date. Also, he shouldn’t recite poetry because I’d probably laugh.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

What did I learn from Millionaire Matchmaker? Patti Stanger hates geeky hipsters. They cause her plastic face to contort in strange ways. Poor hipsters of the world. Let’s look at the millionaires.

Mario-Max Oliver Edward George Prince Schaumburg-Lippe

Well, from my research Prince Mario-Max isn’t bonafide royalty; in other words, he’s adopted. Of course that wasn’t mentioned during the episode. Back to Prince Mario’s love saga, following Patti’s advice, he doesn’t tell the ladies that he’s a prince. He just markets himself as a German dude who dishes gossip on the royals…uh ok. After the mixer and his mini-dates, he chooses the South Carolinian, Clark Gilmer, a former America’s Next Top Model contestant. He takes her on a wonderful date and reveals to her that he’s a prince. She wasn’t heartbroken to say the least.

Daniel Kibblesmith

This adorable, intelligent hipster rankled the skin of Patti Stanger with his facial hair and casual clothes. While Patti gave him a nice make-over, he didn’t look that bad before. During the mixer, Daniel was a bit awkward and picked a good girl (Krystyna) and a bad girl (Shereena). Because he’s a bit clueless, he ended up choosing the later girl who was an idiot. When a girl says that guidos and meatheads are attracted to her, then she has some issues. Overall, Daniel handled himself well on the date–he seemed a bit pretentious at times–despite being with a wretched date.

My Selection

Since I find Prince Mario-Max to be thoroughly unattractive, I would rather be with Daniel Kibblesmith. He’s sweet and smart. If he could learn to pick better women, then he might choose a quirky intelligent woman that would suit him nicely. Of course, Patti doesn’t generally have casting calls for that type of woman. Good luck quirky Daniel!!

Although I spent much of this Millionaire Matchmaker episode thinking about Patti’s freaky face, I was more disturbed by the unrealistic expectations put upon women. Patti attempts to show David Mezheritsky that women can be perfect docile housewives who also hold down a job. I understood that she was trying to convince him that women could do more than be a housewife. Yet to do everything, serve a man, serve the kids, and serve an employer is a nearly impossible task, leaving little room for a woman to find happiness for herself. Instead Patti could have expected David to change as a man. A woman can’t be expected to do everything in the name of progress; men, like David, should learn that their antiquated notions of men’s work and women’s work are unrealistic. We can work towards different roles for men and women not just women taking on all the responsibilities. I will now get off my soapbox. One more thing, tsk tsk Tori Spelling for being a party to all of that nonsense. Let’s assess the men.

Brian Wallos

Patti labels the owner of Benchwarmer a playboy, and he’s edited that way until the end. The problem is that Brian never seems like much of a playboy. He selects Debra Pinko, wines her, dines her, and acts like a perfect gentleman. He doesn’t even force the kiss at the end of the date.

David Mezheritsky

While Brian was unfairly labeled, David was not. He’s a chauvinist, and he lived up to that. Basically, he picked Stephanie Vostry because she looked good, completely overlooking the far superior Annaliese Puccini. Next, he took her to a spa date. On this show, spa dates always end with sex or overall discomfort. David and Stephanie chose sex, defying Head Mistress Stanger’s instructions. Naughty, naughty children.

My Selection

Brian Wallos is not much to look at and I don’t agree with his job, but he treated Debra with respect. Thus, he’s my guy. Also, David creeped me out. I could imagine him having major anger issues. I hope Brian’s able to find someone.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

I have to ask first of all what happened to The Millionaire Matchmaker‘s Patti Stanger’s face? I’m not saying she was hot before, but now her forehead has stopped moving, and she looks like she’s had her eyes done, as well as other stuff. She has that weird plastic surgery sheen. Hmmmm…I guess Patti’s turning into one of her freaky clients, e.g. Shauna Raisch.

Michael Donnellan

He owns a studio company in Dubai, but he’s also a not so tortured artist. Oh yeah…he’s also a reality TV whore from Big Brother 6. Anyway, after the mixer, he chooses Tami. To make her the center of attention (cough–test her–cough), he takes pictures of her and then they go on a great dinner date. Overall, Tami seemed to enjoy the date.

Gary Mancuso, Jr.

Basically, he runs a string of internet business, the majority of which exist to steal your money (elitestimulator.com, luckylending.com, eliterev.com, and his own dating service elitemate.com). At the mixer, Gary ignores his brains, sort of, and goes with his libido to select Bonnie. Unlike previous episodes, Patti has stopped trying to change the men, which is weird. What’s the point if she’s not going to embarrass them with some crazy doctor or some other hoodoo? Anyway, he takes Bonnie, who’s afraid of flying, flying. He thinks she loves it, while she actually hates it. They sort of get closer on the boat, but really it’s not that great of a date. Patti for some reason gives him a pass, though.

My Selection

Although the tester, Michael, calls Patti some choice words at the end, I think I’d have to go for him. He and I could go out a few times and I could find out more about the inner workings of Big Brother and maybe more about Chenbot. Gary seemed far more creepy; he’s the one who wants a weak girl who’s a follower. He seemed to choose that with Bonnie. If he had selected Tiffany, he would have gotten a tough girl and that’s not what he wants. In a sense, they’re both controlling, but at least Michael is interesting.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]