Reality Ranker

I’ve had a realization, perhaps sparked by the insensitivities of Patti Stanger. I’m tired of spending time with reality shows and the people on them.

For almost 2 years, I have obsessively watched TV. Stretching my DVR to its limits all in a quest to watch it all, know it all, report it all. While this has been an amazing experience, I find that the thrill is gone. It’s become a chore. I don’t get paid to do this, so in essence, I toil for the love it and to strive to get more hits. I feel that I’ve reached some amazing goals and that in no way has this been a time waster. I’m just ready to move on and do other things that I enjoy.

I won’t completely give up blogging, by the way. Back in the summer of 2010, I had a blog for a month called “The News Scares Me” and have already restarted it on Tumblr. Basically, it pokes fun at crazy headlines and fear-mongering tactics used by the local media. This will be a much smaller blog and one that won’t consume 3 or more hours of my day.

Again, thank you everyone for reading. It’s been a pleasure. I’ve loved the comments, even when they were mean. Make sure to check out the new blog – The News Scares Me.

Here’s an update of the biggest news.

4. Joe Giudice Pleads the 5th

He’s dropped the bankruptcy and now doesn’t want to speak about any of it. Why the change of heart Juicy Joe?

3. Kim Zolciak’s Spin-off that I Won’t Watch

Yep, she’s getting a Bethenny-esque show. I was bored by Bethenny’s show. I sure won’t be tuning into Kim’s…well…unless it’s fun and trashy.

2. Top Chef’s Battle Island

Because Top Chef wants me to spend even more time in front of a screen, they will be airing online episodes where ousted contestants will battle against each other. The winner will return for the finale.

1. Taylor Armstrong the Grifter

The Daily Beast has investigated Taylor Armstrong and her business relationship with Russell. It’s quite interesting.

[Photo Credit: STC Cooks]

Yes, it’s that time again. The news stories have mounted up, and I have to report them. Here you go!

4. Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Barney are Back

Yes, the older ladies of the OC crew, after a few new procedures, will be back to entertain us all with their drunken shenanigans.

3. Bravo Enforcing Psychological Testing

While they have provided counseling to housewives in the past, the network will now make any new housewife undergo psychological testing before letting her be a part of the show. Let’s see if this fixes everything.

2. Bachelor Pad’s Melissa is Not Cra-cra

According to Melissa Schreiber, she’s not crazy; she just plays one on TV.

1. Russell Armstrong’s Family Thinks He Was Murdered

Yep…now, it has come to this. The family is hiring a private investigator to see if any of Russell’s business associates gave him the ax.

[Photo Credit: TV Food and Drink]

Last night I. . . . judged a pageant. Let’s make this clear. It was college boys entertainingly competing for a title all in the name of charity. Thus, I wasn’t being a hypocrite. I was able to use some of my Toddlers and Tiaras knowledge to good use, especially when it came to crowning. Anyway, the Rodeo Princess Pageant was the season finale of T&T, which makes my blogging heart a little sad. This week I thought we could look at the bad decisions that were made during the show.

5. Rodeo Clown Name: Bubbles

Nothing against little Kelci, but her rodeo clown name was lame. Also, she didn’t seem too bubbly. Perhaps, Calmy would have worked better.

4. Misconstruing What a Barbie Looks Like

Last time I checked Jamie Barbies are blond-haired, big boobed adult dolls. Now, your child, Lynsie is only 7. Did you get forget that? She’s 7, not 17, not 27, not an adult, not blond, and not large chested. Just thought I’d let you know.

3. Assuming that Talking Positively about a Child Will Make Her a Good Child

Even Karmen admits that she is sometimes “a devil.” Her parents, Heather and Thomas, think that she is a highly intelligent child, but she just seems unruly and prone to misbehaving.

2. Pushing a 7 yr. old to be a Model

Oh Kim, it’s impossible to know if your child will be a model,when she’s only 7. You can think she’s cute and all. What if she’s shocker not tall enough or doesn’t have the talent for it? Perhaps, wait and see how she turns out, since kids at 7 don’t look the same when they are 16.

1. Dressing a Child up Like a Goth Hooker

I think the picture says it all.

My millionaires this week consist of a former Eagles NFLer who is famous for boasting about obliterating the Patriots during their last Super Bowl, but then only making a single catch for 11 yards. On the other hand, Stacy Kessler is back. Need I say more.

Freddie Mitchell

Seriously, was there anything wrong with this guy dating-wise? As my husband informed me, he was un-coachable on the football field, but with only a few minutes with Patti, he was coached into spotting the right woman. His date with Adrienne was not the best. Since she had a child, she became concerned that he had not paid child support. What’s strange is that Patti makes it seem like Adrienne was concerned with money? Perhaps, she was concerned about him not being a good human being. Isn’t that valid? She should have asked on a later date, but at the same time, it seemed to really disturb her.

Stacy Kessler

She has the best website ever. It actually plays Stevie Nicks “The Gypsy.” She’s totally my new favorite person at least for the next few hours. After admitting that she was experiencing a mid-life crisis, she seems to show more sanity by picking a normal date named Eben. Then, she goes on the date. Stacy decides that a viewing of her film “The Lingerie Script” would be a good icebreaker before dinner. It showed that a) she can’t sense the needs and feelings of others in any way, b) she can’t act, and c) she looks creepy in lingerie. Poor Eben! Eventually, while they were both grossly stuffing their faces, Eben admits that he wasn’t attracted to her and had no chemistry. My new favorite woman with an immovable forehead left the date.

My Selection

Deadbeat dad or crazy woman?? I’ll go with Freddie Mitchell. I could use my feminine wiles and intelligence and never mention the money issue. After that, I can make sure that the pre-nup completely takes care of my kids. After a couple of years, I ditch him and then live off of the child support. This sounds like a perfectly viable scenario and one that I must put into action.

Wearing the Plush Puppy Scarf with Pride

Notable Phrase:

“Plush puppies.”

Death of a Plush Puppy

What Makes Him So Special:

He’s made two very questionable garments and survived to design another day. With last night’s party store challenge, he even purposefully broke the rules by designing with table clothes though he was instructed otherwise. In addition, he received one of the best bitchy critiques from Michael Kors. He was told that his dress looks like a “transvestite flamenco dancer at a funeral.”

I say Casanova screw the rules and keep designing. Let’s see how long you can survive. If you keep saying gems like plush puppies, then I want you to have your own show.

After watching the past few weeks, I’ve decided that there are two douches on the show and both of their names start with Ryan. Now, the question is which Ryan is more douchey?

vs.

Ryan Knight

Although I initially thought that he was just being a commitment-a-phobe when it came to Jemmye, this week he reached the stratosphere of douche-dom. Actually, his treatment of Preston, Sahar, and Jemmye was quite deplorable. Starting with Preston, Knight’s a homophobe. In other words, he only likes his gays to be a certain way. Next, he attacked Sahar and intentionally hit her below the belt with the body comments and the boyfriend cheating dig. He was completely proud of his actions and even bragged about it. Finally, the icing on the cake was his continued verbal attacks on Jemmye, even after he knew that she was a victim of domestic violence. What makes it worse is that many of the housemates seemed to put the pressure on Jemmye to make him change. They should’ve expected Knight to treat everyone with respect. No one has to tell me or my friends to act respectful to others. It’s crazy, but we can just be nice to others. Knight is a major douche and doesn’t regret his actions. He just doesn’t want his stupidity to take away from a good time.

Ryan Leslie

In the same vein, Ryan respect no one in the house. I’ve already established that he’s a homophobe.  At some point, he’s alienated almost everyone in the house. Finally, he couldn’t be bothered to donate his time to building a house for Habitat for Humanity. I expect that he’ll do a few more things this season to show his epic douche sensibilities. I almost forgot…that hairstyle is…well…it speaks for itself.

Who is the douche? Both have entered the far off realms of the douche galaxy. Thus, it is impossible for me to judge which is the douchiest. Perhaps, more episodes will reveal that one of these guys is actually a decent human being. Maybe I’m just a bit too hopeful, though.

I have to say that Bad Girls Club is a study in women at their worst. Actually, it makes me feel dirty when I watch it, very very dirty. I will soldier on, though.

When a group of bad girls get together, it seems pretty silly to rate which one is the most volatile. I will explain my criteria. I’m looking for those that are loud-mouths, cocky, and willing to throw a punch when needed. Now, for me, a punch is never needed except when I was 13 yrs. old, but it didn’t help me out then. For these girls, who suffer from various traumatic experiences, which have made them the women that they are, punches and slaps are important forms of communication.

7. Kristen Guinane aka The Pageant Princess

Watch out Toddlers & Tiaras mothers this is what your pageant girl might become, a boozer whose clothes keep slipping off her body. I don’t think she’s a fighter, though.

6. Lea Beaulieu aka The South Beach Bitch

The bisexual woman whose dating a married man attempted to stay out of the first episode Morgan melee. I think she likes to avoid conflict.

5.  Catya Washington aka The Elite Player

She considers herself classy, but she’s ready to cut a bitch when needed. I’m guessing she’s a bit more talk than action.

4. Danielle Rosario aka The Scrapper

This one has a chip on her shoulder so big that I can’t understand why she doesn’t have debilitating back problems. I can see her getting in a fight when her insecurity buttons are pushed.

3. Erica Eggum aka The Trash Talking Cheerleader

She’s a tacky tatted up chic who seems to like fighting. While she might be all talk, I believe she is the real deal. I wouldn’t want to mess with her.

2. Brandi Arceneaux aka The Sneaky Stripper aka Venus

She claims to be a lesbian 90% of the time. Perhaps, she knows her Kinsey bisexuality number or maybe not. Other than wanting to love on other girls in the house, she has immediately started a war with Morgan. She also seems to be the main instigator. I see this girl participating in many more fights. Just when I thought strippers are so well-adjusted, Brandi crushes my ideal.

1. Morgan Osman aka The Uber Bitch aka This Season’s Natalie

The Miami girl who spends too much money on her, is a bit scary without make-up, and hangs out with douche-bag idiots isn’t going to last on the show. I’ll be surprised if she makes it through 2 more episodes.

I’m currently traveling on a LimoLiner from Boston to NYC and wondering why my blog gets massive hits when I don’t post for a few days and/or go on vacation. Is the blogging world trying to send me a message? I just don’t know, but what I do know (damn that’s a hell of a segueway) is that Hell’s Kitchen has been going on too long. In the last episode, I swear that Gordon Ramsey gave me a sly wink and then decided against eliminating any of those fools. I mean really is the goal of the show to get some barely competent cooks/chefs and  throw them in a kitchen, so we can see them be abused. I think it is. I guess I need to get on with it and re-rank these Top Chef rejects.

4. Autumn Lewis

She’s on borrowed time. Unless there’s a major development on the show, she’ll be gone on the next episode.

3. Benjamin Knack

He’s talented as far as fifth rate chefs who make it on this show are. I think he will be a victim of the Holli/Jay alliance, though.

2. Holli Ugalde

I’m perplexed why she has taken to letting Jay feel her up. I mean really…She couldn’t get better. Perhaps, it’s a case of being desperate and he’s the only single man left. Anyway, I’m going to imagine that she actually is not interested and is using him to get to the finals. That could be more likely.

1. Jay Santos

I think when it comes down to it Jay going to choose a “ho before a bro.” I can’t believe I just wrote that and you had to read it, but it’s there and I’m not taking it back. I really don’t think he’s worthy of winning, but I don’t find any of these contestants actually worthy.

I’m back. I’m married. I’m ready to post.

Last night was the premiere of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. It doesn’t seem like much has changed. Teresa’s hairline is still eating her face. Danielle is still angry. Caroline is still a protective pit bull. Here are some highlights from the episode.

5. Tomato Sauce and Periods

Thank you Teresa. I learned a new fact today. Old style Italians believe that women can’t make red sauce while they’re bleeding. I’ll have to remember that. I don’t want to taint the sauce.

4. Dina is Zen?

If ugly cats bring peace, then I’d rather not have peace. I like my cats cute and cuddly and hairy. It’s good that Dina like other housewives before her (Ramona and Vicki) is trying to change, but I don’t buy it.

3. Danielle’s Anger

She goes to consult a priest, another friend, and even her pedicurist, but she’s still angry. Perhaps, a therapist would be helpful. What I did find laughable is that she claims to go to Mass every weekend.

2. Ashley Suffers from RH Lazy Child Syndrom

How many of the housewives’ children lack motivation, intelligence, and the ability to make their own money? Really, these parents should write books to teach us how not to raise kids.

1. Danielle’s Kids

It’s actually pretty depressing. Since Danielle can’t let the pain go, she can’t shut up about it. Her kids have to warn her not to make silly social mistakes. Poor girls!! A woman shouldn’t take advice from her underage girls.

As a final note, these women are crazy and this season will be quite explosive.