Reality Ranker

With its shorter run time, a brief 30 minutes, Basketball Wives has taken the  Bravo’s The Real Housewives franchise and applied it to some current and former spouses/fiances/girlfriends of NBA players. What I want to do today is rank why this show is basically pointless. Yes, I wrote pointless. I will explain.

4. The Women Have No Identities

Who are these women? What do they do? Do they have jobs? educations? goals in life? Well, it would be impossible for us to know. The women are simply identified by which basketball player that they have been engaged to, dated, and/or married. The only person who seems to have a separate life is Evelyn; yet we learn nothing of her shoe store (at least I think that’s what it is) or how she manages it.

3. People Write about Royce Reed?

Perhaps I’m the first one who cares to write about her. Who really cares about a dancer for the Miami Heat? I doubt that I’ll ever write about this woman again, unless this show actually becomes interesting, which I seriously doubt.

2. Basketball Players Cheat?

I have a feeling that this show will highlight the surprising revelation that basketball players are womanizers. Shock! Awe! Most of the women seem to bemoan their relationships, but I have a feeling that they would date those kinds of men again. Do I really want to watch a whole season of this? Vh-1 has seriously let me down. My Sunday night reality cheese has been supplanted by boring shows about people that I don’t care about.

1. Shaunie O’Neal

Boring……zzzzzzz. She has a completely unnatural TV presence. Also, the show focuses way too much on her, although the undue attention is not surprising given that she is an executive producer. In addition, her distrust of Gloria seemed rather forced. She’s makes the show rather unwatchable. I don’t need to hear her lame advice and commentary.

Goodbye Basketball Housewives. Vh-1 try again!

Say it ain’t so Tool Academy. It is the last night of this epic show that has the ability to make mainly women feel much better about their lives because they know that they are lucky enough not to be with the men on the screen. If you are a woman who is into tools, then well, you’re just sad. These guys and gals should act as a warning of the type of people not to be with. I’ll force my future daughter to watch it to let her know which men to avoid, but I digress. It’s the last episode of the season; thus, it is time for some awards.

Best Hair: Jacob Tapia

Jacob’s hair makes him the big burly lion of the Tool Academy jungle. I wish he would wear his bandanna less, so we could see that mane in full force.

Most Pathetic: Kyle

Jennavecia’s boyfriend made himself into the biggest pathetic buffoon last week. His girlfriend is a huge, unrepentant tool and he just can’t figure it out. Before I had thought he had been a stronger person, but after last week, he is officially the worst of the show. He seemed to know how a person should act in a relationship.  So, it’s his fault if he can’t follow through on that.

Most Talented: Daniel

Not only is he known for his wonderful quote: “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife,” but he is the most talented tool. With his glow-stick abilities, he showed how talented a tool can be. Thank you Glow Stick Tool.

Least Talented: Jordan Alexander

He has high hopes for a career, but a) he can’t sing and b) he’s too old. Now, this goes out to Jordan. Here is my advice. Add up the ages of all of your favorite boy band members when they were selling the most albums, divide that by the number of all the boys, and you will realize that you are too damn old to be in a boy band.

Best Break-Up Moment: Courtney Barcellos

When her girlfriend left her behind, Courtney courageously ran after the limo crying and yelling about getting counseling. It was a beautiful break-up moment and one that I won’t forget.

Strongest Woman: Kate Vannatta

After everything, she has proved herself to be the strongest person at the Tool Academy. I still say hooray for her. I wish more women and men on the show would stand up and leave the fools that they are with.

Biggest Turn Around: Jacob Tapia

With his black hair band and luxurious hair, Jacob transformed himself on Tool Academy. Here’s hoping that he has actually changed.

Tonight’s Tool Academy was about trust. It brought us (say in a deep voice) “The Human Lie Detector Test.” She wonderfully revealed the lies that are still spewing from some of the remaining 4 tools’ mouths. Now, I’m not sure if the human lie detector is more effective than the machine, but it nicely switches up the cliched lie detector episode. Too bad that I forgot to write about that one in yesterday’s post.

Before “The Human Lie Detector Test,” the tool’s discussion about the test was pretty amusing. All of them were scared. If you don’t have anything to hide, then there should not be any fears. These tools were shaking in their boots. It was great to see stupid Kevin try to figure out how he was going to lie. Squirm Kevin squirm!

The Worst Liars are:

3. Kevin Craft and Angelo Giannakos

Obviously, these guys do not qualify as the worst liars. It was hilarious to see Dayna hug Angelo after finding out that he had not slept with any of her friends. Good Job Angelo!! Not using condoms and banging random women became acceptable. As for Kevin, despite the editing that made it look like he was going to lie, he finally revealed his infidelity to his wife. I can’t believe he was eliminated. Ughh!! That was the wrong choice. It means I have to go another week watching Jacob.

2. Jennavecia Russo

Her lie seemed pretty minor. Many women would say that they enjoy their sex lives, even though there might be issues. It’s understandable that she felt uncomfortable revealing a sexual problem to Kyle.

1. Jacob

After his pathetic performance, he should be called Compulsive Liar Tool. His comment, “I’m so thankful the truth came out,” was pretty hilarious, since he lied through most of “The Human Lie Detector Test.” His little lies show so much about him. Jacob  is not there to really change. He’s there to play the game, which he’s not even good at doing. He’s so lucky that he hasn’t been eliminated yet.

—Special News—

For the finale, Rachel, the girlfriend of Jordan the Boy Band Tool will be co-writing a blog post with me. Rachel and I will be giving various awards to the tools and their girlfriends. Keep checking back to read this exciting post.

Ever since the 1st season of Tool Academy, I have been amazed by the bedazzled Tool Academy jackets that the men wear. I’ve always wished that they would do a segment where we get to see the tools decorate, but alas the editors have not given me that one precious gift. So, to give the bedazzled outfits their due, here’s a ranking of the best blazers:

Honorable Mention: Jordan

OK..He isn’t wearing his bedazzled blazer, but he is wearing women’s underwear, a fish net stocking, leather boots, sunglasses, and a cowboy hat. How could he not be on this countdown? I’m glad that he finally decided that as a straight man he should get rid of his women’s underwear and thong collection. As for his blazer, I was surprised that it’s a simple one arm piece. I thought he would have the most ornate one.  There’s still time, though.  Maybe he’ll compensate for his lack of womens clothing with a spectacular blazer in upcoming episodes.

3. Tommy

All of the tools used glitter on their Tool Academy blazers. Tommy took the idea a step forward by applying zebra print to the lapels. Excellent choice!

2. Angelo

He decided to add to subtle feathers to his shoulders, a beautiful pink and blue eye, which stares into the souls of the other tools, and a heart. The eye should have tears coming out of it just to make it more “Angelo,” but overall these are excellent touches.

1. Jacob “JT Extreme”

Because he always takes things a bit too far, Jacob went with pink and white feathers. Do his lie down like Angelo’s? NO! They are raised and flutter when he walks around. He is poetry in motion.

A question to my readers: Why do the tools love bandannas? One tool even had a stack of them. It’s a trend that began in the 1st season of Tool Academy and still seems to be going strong. I wonder how long it will continue.

There are only 6 lovely ladies left on Frank the Entertainer: in a Basement Affair. I was personally sad to see Annie go, but I think we all know that he wouldn’t end up choosing her. She was there to be the weirdo, which she really wasn’t. When she seemed more quirky than weird, Frank couldn’t kick her to the curb for not being his typical “type.” He had to keep her around to look good. After her strange dirty rap, she gave him the excuse he needed. I actually suspect that she did that on purpose, so she could get out of there. Overall, I thought she nicely played against the normal types that are on reality shows, but because of that she didn’t last.  Goodbye sweet Annie!!

After that, let’s get down to business. Here is my official ranking of the last 6 women on Frank the Entertainer. Let me know if you agree with my choices.

6. Dana Piza

She made it clear that: a) her mom should be on Bad Girl’s Club; b) if she can’t control her temper, then she’s gone from the show. I’ve always thought that she is the most unattractive girl on the show and not the brightest.

5. Melissa

Well, she just hasn’t done anything. Her time in the basement is limited, especially if there is a drama-free week.

4. Cathy Nardone

I really don’t like her. It’s clear that she has entertained the Entertainer with her feminine charms, even the olive oil soothsayer knew she had been “close” with someone. This will save her for a while, but she definitely won’t win.

3. Melody Pinkerton

If she can avoid the mounting storm in the house, then she has the chance of being like Rock of Love Bus’s Taya, except less annoying. Oh yeah she won’t win either, but she’s like Taya nonetheless.

2. Kerry Schwartz

I keep waiting for her to make some sort of mistake, but she has kept her nose clean. Frank seems to be quite into her, and unlike her buddy Cathy, she hasn’t watched late night football with him. Men really don’t like that.

1. Felecia

I chose her as the winner weeks ago, and surprisingly, I still stick by my choice. In a logical way, she is a good pick, and potentially a nice catch, despite the fact that she’s on a Vh-1 reality dating show.

After watching two episodes of Celebrity Fit Club, I’ve decided that I’m pretty much an expert at judging who will be successful on the show and who will not. The following are my predictions based on two hours of intensive research.

8. Kevin Federline

Although I had Kevin’s ass in my living room this week, I just don’t think he has the sticking power. He seems to not have any drive. I guess that’s what happens when you get your Brit Brit check every month.

7. Bobby Brown

His butt was also not enough evidence for me. I’m afraid that his drinking will hinder him from losing weight. He also has issues with food.

6. Tanisha Thomas

I keep hoping that she could be higher, but she has a lot of issues to overcome. The anger is a bit much. I guess that’s what happens when a Bad Girl’s Club member is put on a weight loss show. The poor girl can’t even be happy with herself after losing 4 lbs. Good luck Tanisha.

5. Sebastian Bach

Oh Sebastian…..you seem really motivated, but I wonder if you can stave off your demons. Having an injury has slowed him down and I would assume it will slow his weight loss. “It’s not your fault dude.” Sage advice from a sagacious man.

4. Shar Jackson

If she can get over Kevin, she’ll push herself to lose the weight. Seriously, it’s K-Fed. Ughhh!

3. Kaycee Stroh

She’s a hard-working cutey. Her perfectionism might catch up with her, but I predict that she will definitely trim down.

2. Jay McCarroll

He’s a motivated man who supports some lovely pink, square-rimmed glasses. He’s lost 7 lbs. and I think he’ll shed more.

1. Nicole Eggert

It seems like it’ll be easier for her to lose the weight. A) Because she’s already small. B) She isn’t a huge eater. If she cuts down on the alcohol, then she’ll quickly shrink.

Despite what some might say, Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair is still reality TV gold.

Frank has whittled the group of 15 down to 7. I was sad to see crazy Renee go last night. How could a man not be turned on by a woman with the body of 11 yr. old boy dressed up in a saloon bar maid outfit? The whipped cream was also a classy touch. I assumed she had already sealed the deal a few episodes when she talked to him about the mile-high club. Gosh, I guess I’m just a bad judge of character. Anyway, next week I’ll create an updated ranking for the top 6. I still feel that a strong contender had not appeared. Maybe next week Frank’s motives, beyond self-promotion, will become clear.

On another note, I set up a Reality Ranker twitter account, and I need some followers. If you’re free to follow the ramblings of a reality TV addict, then get to it.

Can this really be a post? Aren’t all the tools from Tool Academy tools? Well, yes, but I want to separate the big tools from the baby tools.

10.Tommy Allen

Notable Quote: “Mexico rhymes with sexico, so let’s go.”

The amazing rhyming tool was pretty quiet this week. I expect that he might go far, because he might not need as much help.

9. Shawn Goble

Notable Quote: “Get screwed, brewed and tattooed.

The surfer tool also controlled himself this week. Since he’s a lazy turd, I assume that he’ll resist trying to be responsible and get an actual job.

8. Daniel

Notable Quote: “I’ve got a boner.”

He’s a “devoted glow sticker.” He almost cried when it came up in conversation. It’s all just so sad and funny.
7. Jordan Alexander

Notable Quote: “She’ll pay for my breakfast if I sleep over.”

When he bent over in his hot pink thong, his girlfriend noted that he had shaved his butt…sexy.  Much like Shawn, he will probably have an issue with getting a job, but he also seems to be incredibly egotistical. That’s not a good combination.
7. Angelo Giannakos

Notable Quote: –”This is the opportunity of a lifetime to win a hundred grand and get p*ssy. Those are the two things right there that I pretty much live by.”

He claims to have pleasured 200 women, which must be a completely truthful statement. His reaction after he found out that he was on Tool Academy was amazing. He sure looks hideous when he cries.
5. Kevin Craft

Notable Quote: “I don’t quit during sex. I don’t quit when I’m playing basketball. I’ve quit a few jobs, but hey I don’t really quit.”

He’s rated pretty high, because he has cheated on his wife, not his girlfriend, but his wife.

4. Jacob “JT Extreme”

Notable Quote: “Hoormph Hoormph.”

The former substitute teacher for Autistic students and wannabe wrestler is a smart one. I personally think that his hatred for Jennavecia is just a disguise for his undying love for her. Two tools together sounds like an awesome combination.

3. Jennavecia Russo

Notable Quote: “I’m not used to being tied up with my clothes on.”

She really needs some work. Her poor boyfriend has terrible taste in women.

2. Courtney Barcellos

Notable Quote: “All the men are crying because I take all their girlfriends.”

Bragging about a threesome is not a good thing to do, especially when your sweet girlfriend will be watching it. I do love that she pinned Chasyn. Good job!

1. Chasyn Rance

Notable Quote: “Their borderline and I’m extraordinary.”

The tiny wrestler who’s ego is much bigger than his tiny body didn’t last long. I assume that his lose to Courtney reminded him that he’s a little twerp. It must’ve been too much to handle.

Another season of Celebrity Fit Club has begun filled with a bevy of “oh yeah, I remember her” and “wow he really got chunky.” Vh-1 has wonderfully chosen some explosive personalities for the show. With my masterful powers of prediction, I will list the potential explosions that will occur. When all of this comes to fruition, just remember I said it here first.

3. Sebastian Bach

Oh Sebastian, you were so hot once upon a time. Will Celebrity Fit Club help you recover your beautiful, girly physique? Who knows? Yet I have a feeling that he might hit some bumps along the way. I expect tantrums galore in a few weeks.

2. Federline vs. Shar

Yesterday’s news, Kevin Federline and Shar Jackson both need to shed the pounds, K-Fed especially. In episode 1, Shar was immediately painted as the victim. Well, sweety you did get with K-Fed, so….yeah. I expect these two to begin fighting in the next few episodes. Hopefully, she’ll also get over her issues. It was a while ago that she was even tabloid fodder, so if she can start being strong, then she might…might…might be able to get out of his douchey shadow.

1. Tanisha Thomas

1. I predict that Tanisha, the former Bad Girl’s Club member, will be the most volatile of the bunch. I expect for her to fight with others, perhaps Sebastian, and definitely with Harvey. I hope she can bring the drama, so I’ll be transfixed for an hour.

Well, I was just one away from picking last week’s eliminated lady. Jenni, who blames the show for bad editing, has to look for a man in a normal way. I do think she seemed quite conservative, but really…when you claim to never have had a boyfriend, that’s kind of weird.

I stick with my prediction that Renee will be eliminated next week.

I am glad that Annie has kept his attention. Go ANNIE!!