Reality Ranker

Norie is still with her mom, so the blogging responsibilities have fallen to me, her hard-working husband.

In honor of Penn & Teller’s appearance on this week’s episode of True Beauty, I thought I’d create a list of things that I’d most like to see disappear from the show.  And one of these things even happened!

5.  Hair Gel

Unless he’s planning to mate with a porcupine, I refuse to believe that there is anyone who would find that hair attractive.  The bigger question, though, is whether or not airport security would have to confiscate that ‘do if he tried to fly with it gelled to its full pointy glory.

4.  Regina Bill’s vocal chords

Does she ever shut up?  I’m sure the editors of the show worked to make her look particularly bad, but whether it was authentic or not, it was annoying.  The only way to make sure it doesn’t happen again is to make sure that Regina loses her capacity for speech.  Come on Penn & Teller – make it happen!

3.  Half of the show

I don’t know what the deal is with television these days – it seems that every show is twice as long as it really needs to be.  Well, True Beauty is no exception.  They really have about half an hour of material, tops, yet they stretch it into the apparently obligatory hour long reality show.  I mean, do we really need to watch them cavort around a pool for more than a second or two?

Then there was the final elimination.  They told us that they would decide based on one last challenge.  One of the contestants passed, the other didn’t.  It was all pretty cut and dried.  And yet, when they came back from commercial, they still managed to drag out the actual elimination.  Seriously, we knew who was going home, just get on with it!

2.  The delusional premise of the show

In theory they’re trying to find the person who is beautiful on the inside and the outside.  What is clear after just two weeks, though, is that what they’ll end up with is someone who is moderately attractive in a superficial way on the outside, and 10th most repulsive person on the inside.  I don’t think someone proves inner beauty by not stealing, I think a person proves it by actively doing good things.

1.  Everything that Michael Allen ever said

Michael Allen was such a treasure-trove of vocal bloopers, that I can finish my main list with a mini list of his notable-quotables.

5.  There were his comments on Regina: “Regina is spoiled.  Snap your fingers and get what you want.  ‘Daddy, come and get me.’  Blah, blah, blah.  My time to go home is when everybody else has left the building.”  All the while he seemed to be doing a weird impersonation of Brad Pitt on LSD.

4.  Then he attributed Amy’s win to Penn and Teller having “a thing for Asian and that’s just the bottom line.”

3.  Then he gave us his philosophy on life: “”Not too many times do I hear someone say ‘you’re a loser.’  It’s more or less like ‘you’re a winner.’  Failure is not an option.  It’s not technically my slogan, but I use it like I made it up.”  I’ll say it, Michael, you’re a loser.

2.  He followed this up with his brilliant statement that, “I can accept bottom place, but I can’t accept losing.” Um, dude, they’re the same thing.

1.  The capper, though, was this gem: “Imagine the whole world – all blue dots, and then you got these random like green, random yellow dots.  Like, I’m one of the colored one, I’m not one of the blue ones.”  I’m glad he cleared that up with that last phrase because, prior to that, I was under the impression that blue is a color.

Norie is visiting her mom this week, and is thus without television – in other words, it’s her greatest nightmare.  As such I, her faithful husband, am once again assigned the task of writing a blog post.  This is a big responsibility because I have the honor of writing the inaugural post on the new season of Dance Your Ass Off.

To commemorate this occasion, I’m going with a double list.  First, a list of my five favorite quotes from tonight’s show:

5.  Michael: “I feel like if I don’t get it off, I am screwed.  So that’s why I’m here – to get try to get it off with a little help.” – That’s what she said.

4.  Lisa Ann Walter (to the contestants that didn’t make the top 25): “Try again next year.” – In other words, whatever you do, don’t lose any weight between now and the next audition.

3.  Lisa Ann Walter (with exasperation): “You’re wearing a cut-off, blue, bedazzelled shirt.” – Yes, that, is what was making this overweight dancer look silly – the shirt.

2.  Lisa Ann Walter: “Don’t worry about looking the fool, you are the fool.” – She could have said that to each and every contestant and it would have always been true.

1.  Danny Teeson: “Their shape is going to really constrict them when it comes to the technical dances.” – Um, they already have plenty of shows about people who are thin enough to dance – you seem to be missing the point of your show’s niche.

As my selection of quotes might indicate, by the end of the first episode I was a bit skeptical.  So, to cap off my guest post, here is another list:

Top 5 reasons that I’ll make sure to not be near a TV when Norie watches future episodes of Dance Your Ass Off:

5.  They picked the wrong Spice Girl to host – I mean, come on, Sporty Spice was a no-brainer for this one.  She fits the theme of the show perfectly and, let’s face it, I’m pretty sure she didn’t have any prior engagements.  Maybe the show’s producers just got confused about which Mel they were supposed to call and ended up with “B” instead of “C.”  I’m sure they wouldn’t be the first to make that mistake.

4.  They went to the wrong cities – Sure, it makes sense to hold auditions in L.A., Dallas, Chicago, and N.Y. since those are the most populated cities in the country.  Except they were looking for fat people, so they should have gone where the fat people are: places that routinely appear in lists of the country’s fattest cities: Houston, San Antonio, Oklahoma City, and Charlotte.

3. Danny Teeson’s Horrifyingly Creepy Looks

Every time the camera cut away from the dancers to the judges table I flinched as I saw Danny Teeson give looks that were alternately enthusiastic, confused, intense, and leering and always so very, very creepy.

2.  The things this show made me think – at one point during the initial auditions, I actually found myself uttering the phrase “Oh, he’s not nearly fat enough.”  Later, I found myself thinking “She needs to get her arm fat to jiggle more to show the judges she’s really trying.”  All of this made me feel dirty, and not in a good, wholesome, Rock of Love kind of way.

1.  The show’s motives seem too mixed – at one point, one of the judges asked a contestant if he was more interested in weight loss or dancing.  I would like to ask the producers the exact same question.  On the one hand, they brought in a doctor to advise the judges who needed the weight loss the most.  On the other, they also used that doctor to explain why certain contestants’ fat would prevent them from dancing well enough for the show.  Throughout, I wasn’t sure if the show was supposed to be an uplifting chronicle of people losing weight or an elaborate excuse to laugh at fat people.  The easy answer would be “both,” but I think those two goals are mutually exclusive.

On a side note, if there is one reason to watch the show, it’s that contestant Corey bears a comically eerie resemblance to top poker pro Phil Hellmuth, Jr.

This made me laugh – and not even at the expense of someone with a weight problem.

Plotting their moves.

Beyond minutes of boring crap on this week’s New Jersey episode. I still don’t care about Teresa’s baby, Caroline’s kids, or all of the same trash talking, which takes place every single week. What I was looking forward to was Danielle at the Brownstone. Now, I want to rank the worst behaved people at the Brownstone incident.

3. Kim Granatell

Why did this fool decide to a) be friends with Danielle and b) go with her in the first place. When she met Danny earlier in the evening and found out that he was on parole, she should have had an emergency that she had to go take care of. It was stupid to tag along with dangerous Danny and demented Danielle.

2. Danny Provenzano and the Hell’s Angels

It would be easy to write about how Danny is just an ex-con with anger issues who has been used by Danielle, but I think I’ll let his quotes speak for him. “I just went down to the office and opened the door and we said, ‘Get upstairs and put some fucking tables up.” “How much you gotta disrespect us before we gotta fucking wreck the joint?” “A punk is a punk is a punk and it looks like the Manzos are punks.” He also dropped the f****t word a lot, which caused Kim to cringe a bit, but not enough in my opinion.

1. Danielle Staub

Seriously, this woman is a nut job. In essence, she aggravated the feud between herself and the Manzos at the expense of a family raising money for their cancer-ridden baby. It’s pretty disgusting. The ego and paranoia of that woman is up there and probably worse than Kelly from NY. She kept claiming that she left with dignity, but it was far from the case.

"Do you love it?"

On a side note, Teresa’s lack of parenting skills astounds me. I’m not against giving a kid a 4-wheeler. To add to that, letting the 9 yr. old drive the ATV with a 4 yr. old on the back is asking for trouble. In addition, constantly spoiling your children doesn’t make them good people. Hello Teresa watch the other housewives series and you’ll discover that you are making big mistakes.

I’m impressed with ABC. They’ve decided to go the trashy route and deliver some Grade A reality TV this summer. Thanks ABC. The premise of this returning show is that 10 physically attractive contestants are vying to be the “Face of Vegas.” Yet little do the contestants know that they are also being judged on their inner beauty. Will they steal clothes? What mean things will they do to each other? The show’s producers, including Tyra Banks (a beauty inside and out–that was nearly impossible for me to write without laughing) want to find a person who possesses both inner and outer beauty.

Since this show is a contest, these people must judged by me of course to see who will ultimately win.

9. Craig Franczyk

In the first inner beauty challenge, he quickly stole the vest he needed to complete his outfit. He had no guilt. I would assume that he will continue to fail the inner beauty challenges, and if he blows the next outer beauty contest, then he’s out. He seems pretty egotistical, so I think he’ll be out next.

8. David Palmer

No, he didn’t steal, and so was not eliminated in the first week. But he’s not a good competitor, and showed himself in a lesser challenge to be incredibly rude and self-centered. His days are definitely numbered.

7. Michael Allen

He’s a hot biscuit, but he stole in the first challenge and was unable to work his pimp image in the box. His outer beauty will only get him so far on the show.

6. Liz Parada

Miss “I’m blessed to be beautiful” seems to be the worst human being on the show. As usual, this makes for great TV, but it will be epic seeing her get her comeuppance. I can’t wait.

5. Regina Villano

Although she didn’t steal, I feel that she will fail other inner beauty challenge. Perhaps, I’m just biased against beauty queens.

4. Amy Schmoldt

Another non-thief, but her catty, gossipy-nature (which I have to ask is there anything wrong with this?) will probably keep her away from winning the big prize.

3. Erika Othen

“Marilyn” didn’t steal anything, and though she is a little too obsessed with herself, she has a strong chance of going far in the competition.

2. Taylor Bills

Only one of two of the men who didn’t steal, Taylor seems to be an OK guy. While being a former athlete doesn’t bode well for him, he might become one of the best men on the show.

1. Michelle Mozek

She doesn’t seem like a horrible person at this point. I feel that she could win this competition and leave the others in the dust.

Norie is still swamped with wedding, school, and work.  So I, her lucky soon to be husband, am taking over for this one.

Tonight’s episode of Top Chef Masters wrapped up the first round.  That means it’s time to rank the contestants who have been lucky enough to make it into the second round.  Here are my predictions for the winners and losers:

8.  Marcus Samuelsson

I’m a little biased because he beat out Monica Pope, who is a fellow Houstonite and whose restaurant, t’afia, hosts a farmer’s market that I often frequent.  I’m also biased because he’s the ass who basically mocked Monica for helping Carmen Gonzalez after Carmen forgot to bring some of her food to the kitchen.  It all adds up to a quick exit for Marcus – don’t let the door hit you in the rear on the way out.

7.  Tony Mantuano

I know his episode was a while ago, but I still can’t really say that I remember that much about him.  Unmemorable doesn’t win Top Chef Masters.

6.  Carmen Gonzalez

In the first round she left her food behind.  Sure, she lucked into the win when the judges decided that her simple dish (simple because half of it was missing) was a refreshing change, but still, being that flighty has to come back to bite her at some point.  She’s up against a Jedi and Ninja (more on them in a little bit), for goodness’ sake!

5.  Rick Moonen

I was happy to see him make it to the next round since I felt bad for what happened to him last season.  But then he went and got into it with Ludo Lefebvre.  Like Bill O’Reilly before him, Rick needs to stop worrying about inconsequential Frenchmen and focus on real issues – in this case, competing with the chefs who are actually good.  In the end, I’m not sure either one of them is really up to it.

4.  Susan Feniger

The dashing beige chef’s outfit can only take her so far.  Of course, her cooking can take her pretty far, too, but I think once the competition gets into its second half there is just a little too much talent for her to stick around.

3.  Jody Adams

She won the high stakes quickfire to automatically qualify for the second round, then took second in the elimination challenge, which would have qualified her anyway.  That’s pretty impressive.  I think she could definitely win the whole thing, but for now I still think that the Jedi and Ninja will be too much for her.

2.  Jonathan Waxman

In a fight, I’d pick the Jedi over the Ninja.  In the kitchen, though, the steel blades of the Ninja just seem a lot more useful than a lightsaber (don’t worry, Norie will be back soon and the Star Wars references will stop).  Really, it’s a toss up between Jonathan and Susur, but I have to pick one, and Susur’s performance in this week’s elimination challenge was down right spectacular.

1.  Susur Lee

He just got the highest score in Top Chef Masters history.  Sure, that history is less than two seasons old.  And he also came in last in the quickfire, which suggests that he could stumble somewhere along the road.  I could also see him having some trouble with some of the heavily themed challenges.  In the end, though, I just can’t see him failing to make the top three (assuming, of course, that a health inspector doesn’t disqualify him for not wearing shoes in the kitchen).  Once he gets there he’ll have the freedom to unleash all of his cooking prowess, and I just don’t see anyone else standing up to that.  Score one for the Culinary Ninja!

This week’s show, The Little Chocolatiers, is one that I have actually written about, but have never watched. It’s an interesting one.

The Premise

A little couple makes chocolate. Yes, I could make crap loads of Oompa Loompa jokes right now, but I will refrain. There are actually Photoshopped pictures available online with the chocolatiers posing in front of green Oompa Loompas. In essence, this show is modeled after TLC’s Cake Boss. We watch the couple at work, making chocolate and fulfilling various food orders. In addition, we get to see them in a Kate and John Plus Eight style couch confessional, where they reveal their true feelings and/or narrate the action for us.

The Characters

Steve Hatch

Pictured above, Steve is the card of the show. This doesn’t actually make him funny, but he believes in his heart that he is. At times, he’s downright douchey and sexist. Sample quote: “When a bunch of pregnant women are eating chocolate, you just get out of the way.” This comment immediately made his wife uncomfortable. Also, does he actually do anything except be annoying? I only saw him check out people, do pointless research, and Photoshop his face onto a fish’s body. Katie is the real workhorse on this show.

Katie Hatch

She seems to be the real talent in the couple. She does the most work along with the other staff and is the most serious. She may not be a very interesting character, but she’s nice, cute, and informative.

Evaluation: As soon as the couple says, “We are the Little Chocolatiers,” you can here a ting sound, which immediately undercuts the seriousness of the show. It makes it into the joke that it at times seems to be. As I wrote before, this show seems like a freak show. I couldn’t possibly watch this show on a weekly basis based on it freak show-ness. Furthermore, while I really like Katie, I think that Steve is just annoying, little or not. The third star of the show, the chocolate, after a while starts to gross me out. Maybe some people want to watch massive amounts of chocolate, but it doesn’t interest me at all. Unless I’m incredibly bored, this will be the last time I will watch the Little Chocolatiers.

This week’s reality TV star wasn’t able to truly shine on Project Runway, but deserves recognition.

Notable Quote: “That’s your little bitchy bolero.”

What Makes Him So Special: He got robbed. We all can agree that he has issues with editing, but his work is visually interesting and you never know what to expect. When I saw his 3-piece collection, I immediately knew that it was his work, the interesting pants, details that emphasize the hips. Even Mila seemed a bit scared of what he had to offer. Yet in the judge’s discussions, Michael Kors made it clear that a made criterion is that the designer made them want to see more. Nothing against Mila as a person, but seriously her work is incredibly repetitive. It’s easy to guess what she will design. Conversely, Jay has a flair and will offer something different. For the judges to ignore this obvious point, they made a bad choice. Even if he did get eliminated, I’m sure that with his talent he’ll be able to go far. I look forward to seeing his designs.

Whoa…..It seemed like earlier episodes of America’s Next Top Model showed isolated fights that were mainly between white and black contestants. BUT NOW things have changed. The show has turned into a 3 on 3 race based fight. Although the words never fall from anyone’s lips, the racial tension is quite high. I am here to look at this beef between the models.

Angelea Preston, Alasia Tiggs, and Krista White

These three seem to have a major beef with some of the white models. Minor fights have seemed to devolve into a thinly masked nearly racial and class slurs. Angelea and Alasia stick out because they are not as willing to conform and blend in with the other models. This is totally their choice. Now, I do have to add that they act as instigators and avoid taking the high road, but they still shouldn’t be degraded because of race and/or class.

Brenda Arens, Raina Hein, and Jessica Serfaty

These three, which includes a now former favorite of mine, Jessica, have proceeded to mock the race, class, and expressions of the remaining black women in the house. Whether they are talking about the others in low whispers or attempting to parrot their mannerisms, these white women have become plain hateful. Furthermore, the issue of class seems to be a constant theme. In my mind, this “they aren’t classy” talk is a mask for racism.

If this situation doesn’t naturally blow over, someone might need to step in before something bad happens. This is America’s Next Top Model, not an episode of Bad Girls Club.

A side note on Angelea, I’m not sure what her background is. I would identify her as mixed race, but I have a feeling that she sees herself as black. Thus, I grouped her with the other women that she seems to identify with.

Oh woe is me….Millionaire Matchmaker is coming to an end. I won’t do a Reality Ranker Awards post for the final episode because I must make my final millionaire selection of the season. Patti Stanger has given me such a bevy of men to chose from all season, but it is now coming to an end. I guess I’ll just have to settle for my own fiance and forget about these millionaires.

To add to my many Patti Stanger critiques: I can’t believe she keeps pushing Botox. She critiques others for doing it, but really wants her new millionaire who is – shocker – 47 and a bit wrinkle-y to do it. It’s a bit hypocritical. Maybe she’s stopped hocking flowers and has moved onto Botox. Lovely!

On to my last batch of millionaires:

Greg Knoll

Mr. Commit-a-phobe, Mr. Ass Hole, Mr. Sparrow, Mr. Cantankerous–All of these names were used to describe good ol’ Greg. Now, I’m not sure how Mojo fell for his charms, especially after the skiing incident, but he isn’t the worst of the season.

Zagros Bigvand

Good ol’ Zag is back for more. Other than becoming a vegan yogi, Zagros is ready to find his mate. His date, Susan, was quickly impressed by his impersonations, as any woman would be. Later on, although their sexual chemistry was off the charts, he was able to keep his little friend to himself. He finally obeyed Patti’s cardinal rule.

Final Decision: I have to go with Zagros. Although I would never fully trust him, he is definitely the best bet. I might not be bowled over by his flirting or his looks, but he slaughters his competition. Greg does not seem like a very helpful, compassionate man and that might create a definite problem for him with his relationship with Mojo. Good job Zagros you reformed yourself well.

Goodbye for a while Patti. I can’t wait for next season’s Millionaire Matchmaker in NY.

Tonight was the premiere of Tough Love Couples Boot Camp. The show makes it seem that the couples will either get married at the end or break-up. Because I’m always the most positive, I’ll rank the couples from which ones will make it to the ones that will break it.

6. Dennis and Simone

They’ve already been engaged. They both wore wedding garb. They raise a child together. They color coordinate their outfits. Thus, they are the front runners to get married.

5. Larry and Heather

If he could toughen up and she could be comfortable with him, then they could have a real shot. It bodes well for the two that they both donned wedding clothes and were willing to make promises to each other. Let’s see what happens.

4. Pawel and Danielle

I’m not sure about this couple. She is definitely committed, while he seems more committed to himself. If this tool-light can be transformed, then they might make it to the ceremony at the end.

3. Dustin and Courtney

Their lack of closeness (they don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore) even shows in their picture. She grabs his hand, while he pulls away. I can’t see these two lasting very long.

2. Ryan and Axelle

His immaturity and her distrust might ruin any chance they have to improve. In addition, they can’t stop arguing. I don’t have high hopes for these two.

1. Mario and Christina

He can’t decide if he wants to be faithful, and she can’t listen to him long enough to hear his honest remarks. Their relationship seems on the brink of ending. Steve will be a genius if he can resurrect their love.