Reality Ranker

Tonight’s Tool Academy was about trust. It brought us (say in a deep voice) “The Human Lie Detector Test.” She wonderfully revealed the lies that are still spewing from some of the remaining 4 tools’ mouths. Now, I’m not sure if the human lie detector is more effective than the machine, but it nicely switches up the cliched lie detector episode. Too bad that I forgot to write about that one in yesterday’s post.

Before “The Human Lie Detector Test,” the tool’s discussion about the test was pretty amusing. All of them were scared. If you don’t have anything to hide, then there should not be any fears. These tools were shaking in their boots. It was great to see stupid Kevin try to figure out how he was going to lie. Squirm Kevin squirm!

The Worst Liars are:

3. Kevin Craft and Angelo Giannakos

Obviously, these guys do not qualify as the worst liars. It was hilarious to see Dayna hug Angelo after finding out that he had not slept with any of her friends. Good Job Angelo!! Not using condoms and banging random women became acceptable. As for Kevin, despite the editing that made it look like he was going to lie, he finally revealed his infidelity to his wife. I can’t believe he was eliminated. Ughh!! That was the wrong choice. It means I have to go another week watching Jacob.

2. Jennavecia Russo

Her lie seemed pretty minor. Many women would say that they enjoy their sex lives, even though there might be issues. It’s understandable that she felt uncomfortable revealing a sexual problem to Kyle.

1. Jacob

After his pathetic performance, he should be called Compulsive Liar Tool. His comment, “I’m so thankful the truth came out,” was pretty hilarious, since he lied through most of “The Human Lie Detector Test.” His little lies show so much about him. Jacob  is not there to really change. He’s there to play the game, which he’s not even good at doing. He’s so lucky that he hasn’t been eliminated yet.

—Special News—

For the finale, Rachel, the girlfriend of Jordan the Boy Band Tool will be co-writing a blog post with me. Rachel and I will be giving various awards to the tools and their girlfriends. Keep checking back to read this exciting post.

With Norie (the actual Reality Ranker) out of town for a few days, I’ve agreed to do a few guest posts.  And what a weekend to get that honor!  Today I had the pleasure of watching not one, but two episodes of Tool Academy 3.  Since we got to see two episodes today, I though it would be appropriate to do a double list.

Tool Academy 3 – Power Rankings

So, first things first: after the dust of two episodes settled, we were down to the final four, so it’s about time for a new power ranking.  Since the list is so small, I’ve decided to up the difficulty by also trying to predict whether or not the tool’s partner will stay or go.

4.  Kevin Craft

In previous years he wouldn’t have made it past the first couple of weeks.  This year, though, the Toolitude has been at an all time high, so Kevin has somehow slipped through the cracks.  I predict that the Tool Academy catches on to his wily ways next week and sends him packing.  He is a smooth talker, though, and I think Jermika will use his top four finish as an excuse to stay with him.

3.  Jacob “JT Extreme”

He’s another one that wouldn’t have gone very far in previous seasons.  It’s too bad that he wasn’t on last season’s show, as he and Giant Tool would have been quite the ‘roid-raging duo.  Instead, we just get to see him pick on smaller guys.  Eventually, his anger will get the best of him and his golden flowing locks will be no more.  His girlfriend doesn’t seem too much better than him, though, so I think she’ll stay with him.

2.  Angelo Giannakos

He’s cried his way into the top four, and I think his over-active tear ducts will carry him into the final two.  He’s owned up to his past mistakes, and he seems pretty committed to really changing.  Maybe it’s all an act, but, regardless, I think he’ll outlast the other two men.  In the end, I think his hot-headed girlfriend could bring him down.  Nevertheless, I don’t see her being the first girlfriend in the final two to leave her man.  They’ll cry together and float away on a river of their co-dependent tears.

1.  Jennavecia Russo

I never would have thought it at the beginning of the season, but I actually think Jennavecia has a real shot at winning the whole thing.   I’m not sure that the changes will stick (I think Angelo has the best shot at making real changes in his life), but within the controlled environment of the Tool Academy, she seems to be making some strides.  She does seem to genuinely love her boyfriend, but I just don’t know if that’s enough to get past the deep-rooted psychological baggage that she seems to carry.  Maybe she can spend the $100,000 on a good therapist.

Tool Academy 3 – Ranking the Women

With each new season of Tool Academy, I become more and more convinced that the tool’s girlfriends (and now boyfriend) are the real stars of the show.  Bandana wearing douche bags are one thing, but the women that cling to them are something else.  So, with my second list, I’d like to honor the women who appeared in today’s episodes, and rank them according to how pathetic they really are.

Note: It was really hard to find pictures of the tool’s significant others.  My apologies.  It was, however amusing that the first picture that came up when I typed “tool academy 3 lesbian” into a Google search was a picture of Shawn Southern from season 1.

7.  Kate Vannatta – Her realization that Tommy needed to address his drinking, and then her willingness to take action are by far the strongest and most mature behaviors I’ve seen on any season of Tool Academy.  Way to go Kate!

6.  Cheron Rice – At the beginning of the season I thought she was pretty pathetic and had no idea why she would stay with someone who shows such disregard for her.  But, she stuck to her guns and ended her relationship with Courtney Barcellos when Courtney couldn’t make it through the Academy.  The image of Courtney running after the limo begging for her to take her back was reality TV gold, and something that I’m sure will give Cheron some satisfaction.

5.  Kyle – Sure, he’s a guy in a role that the show usually reserves for women, but that really shouldn’t matter.  What does matter is that he seems pretty mature and seems to have a clear sense of what needs to change for his relationship with Jennavecia to work.  She seems to be making real progress, and I think he has a lot to do with that.

4.  Christie – Something tells me she might be in it for the money.  If that’s the case, then she’s not pathetic, she’s an opportunist.  If she genuinely wants to be with Jacob, though, then she should be higher on the list.  I’m not quite sure about her, so being right in the middle is the best place for her… for now.

3.  Jermika – On the one hand, it would be a lot harder for her to leave Kevin since they are actually married.  For that reason, I’ll cut her some slack and assume that she’s using Tool Academy as a last ditch effort to save their marriage.  If she stays with him after his inevitable elimination, then she should be higher on the list (probably #1).

2.  Rachel – Her boyfriend doesn’t have a job (he’s 23).  He wants to be in a boy band (he’s 23!).  He expresses anxiety by taking “off my Michael Jackson glove” (seriously, he’s 23!!!).  Giving up women’s clothing was a big step for him.  Despite all this, when he got eliminated she stayed with him.  Sure, she seemed skeptical about him and doesn’t seem completely happy with her decision.  But still – reread all of this and ask yourself, would you even hesitate to dump him?  I thought not.

1.  Dayna – Sure, Angelo seems pretty committed to change.  But the things he said at the beginning of the show were some of the lowest, most disrespectful things that anyone has ever said on the show.  She should have got up and walked out right then and there.  There’s something to be said for helping someone who clearly has some major issues, but there’s also something to be said for self-respect.  She should have walked out on him in week 1.  The fact that she didn’t earns her the top spot on the list.

The premier has arrived!  The beginning of the Real Housewives made me feel like when I watched the first episode of this season’s Lost: changing alliances, similar characters, and flashbacks. Here is my ranking of the most Lost-ish moments of the premier of The Real Housewives of New York.

3. Flashbacks/Flashforwards

Yes, on The Real Housewives episodes, there are always flashbacks and flashforwards on the first episode. Coupled with the other elements of the show, the flashes reminded me of the wonderful Lost.

2. The Jill-Kelly Alliance

“I feel like people haven’t really gotten to know the human side of Kelly”–Jill.

Maybe because there isn’t one. At the beginning of the show, Jill makes it clear that her friendship with Bethenney is over. Then, we see her and LuAnn meet with whom . . . Kelly. It’s like Kate joining Locke/Smokey’s alliance on Lost. There is something wrong with what I had just seen. Of course, Kelly is attempting to be nice and is even more zen than usual. But my gosh it’s Kelly. That’s a woman I would NEVER side with. She’d take you to the dark side.

1. Kelly is Jacob/Smokey

Yes, I know that Jacob and Smokey are completely different characters, but what they do share is cryptic language and motives. Kelly’s language during the meeting with Jill and LuAnn reveals her new cryptic language.

a) “I was kinda like Rapunzel, stuck in the Hamptons, working.”

Perhaps, this statement works on a deeper level than I’m actually understanding. I assume that Rapunzel didn’t work while she was in the castle. Instead, I think the Hamptons is like the island in Lost. The show always starts there. As the season continues, the Real Housewives get away to their normal lives. Yet every season/summer, they gravitate back to the Hamptons. They are all Rapunzels stuck in the Hamptons. I assume like Smokey that Kelly wants to leave, spread her wings, and kill everyone. Sounds right to me.

b) “I wanna be  Robin to a Batman.”

What does she mean by that statement? Is she aware that these superheroes are not engaged in a romantic heterosexual relationship? I could describe it as a vaguely homosexual relationship between a boy and a man. To choose this as your ideal is rather strange. Perhaps, there is some larger meaning, which might be revealed to us later on.

As the season continues, I assume all will be revealed and new alliances might even form. Until then, we are left with lots of questions. I just hope that they get solved.

Ever since the 1st season of Tool Academy, I have been amazed by the bedazzled Tool Academy jackets that the men wear. I’ve always wished that they would do a segment where we get to see the tools decorate, but alas the editors have not given me that one precious gift. So, to give the bedazzled outfits their due, here’s a ranking of the best blazers:

Honorable Mention: Jordan

OK..He isn’t wearing his bedazzled blazer, but he is wearing women’s underwear, a fish net stocking, leather boots, sunglasses, and a cowboy hat. How could he not be on this countdown? I’m glad that he finally decided that as a straight man he should get rid of his women’s underwear and thong collection. As for his blazer, I was surprised that it’s a simple one arm piece. I thought he would have the most ornate one.  There’s still time, though.  Maybe he’ll compensate for his lack of womens clothing with a spectacular blazer in upcoming episodes.

3. Tommy

All of the tools used glitter on their Tool Academy blazers. Tommy took the idea a step forward by applying zebra print to the lapels. Excellent choice!

2. Angelo

He decided to add to subtle feathers to his shoulders, a beautiful pink and blue eye, which stares into the souls of the other tools, and a heart. The eye should have tears coming out of it just to make it more “Angelo,” but overall these are excellent touches.

1. Jacob “JT Extreme”

Because he always takes things a bit too far, Jacob went with pink and white feathers. Do his lie down like Angelo’s? NO! They are raised and flutter when he walks around. He is poetry in motion.

A question to my readers: Why do the tools love bandannas? One tool even had a stack of them. It’s a trend that began in the 1st season of Tool Academy and still seems to be going strong. I wonder how long it will continue.

Can this really be a post? Aren’t all the tools from Tool Academy tools? Well, yes, but I want to separate the big tools from the baby tools.

10.Tommy Allen

Notable Quote: “Mexico rhymes with sexico, so let’s go.”

The amazing rhyming tool was pretty quiet this week. I expect that he might go far, because he might not need as much help.

9. Shawn Goble

Notable Quote: “Get screwed, brewed and tattooed.

The surfer tool also controlled himself this week. Since he’s a lazy turd, I assume that he’ll resist trying to be responsible and get an actual job.

8. Daniel

Notable Quote: “I’ve got a boner.”

He’s a “devoted glow sticker.” He almost cried when it came up in conversation. It’s all just so sad and funny.
7. Jordan Alexander

Notable Quote: “She’ll pay for my breakfast if I sleep over.”

When he bent over in his hot pink thong, his girlfriend noted that he had shaved his butt…sexy.  Much like Shawn, he will probably have an issue with getting a job, but he also seems to be incredibly egotistical. That’s not a good combination.
7. Angelo Giannakos

Notable Quote: –”This is the opportunity of a lifetime to win a hundred grand and get p*ssy. Those are the two things right there that I pretty much live by.”

He claims to have pleasured 200 women, which must be a completely truthful statement. His reaction after he found out that he was on Tool Academy was amazing. He sure looks hideous when he cries.
5. Kevin Craft

Notable Quote: “I don’t quit during sex. I don’t quit when I’m playing basketball. I’ve quit a few jobs, but hey I don’t really quit.”

He’s rated pretty high, because he has cheated on his wife, not his girlfriend, but his wife.

4. Jacob “JT Extreme”

Notable Quote: “Hoormph Hoormph.”

The former substitute teacher for Autistic students and wannabe wrestler is a smart one. I personally think that his hatred for Jennavecia is just a disguise for his undying love for her. Two tools together sounds like an awesome combination.

3. Jennavecia Russo

Notable Quote: “I’m not used to being tied up with my clothes on.”

She really needs some work. Her poor boyfriend has terrible taste in women.

2. Courtney Barcellos

Notable Quote: “All the men are crying because I take all their girlfriends.”

Bragging about a threesome is not a good thing to do, especially when your sweet girlfriend will be watching it. I do love that she pinned Chasyn. Good job!

1. Chasyn Rance

Notable Quote: “Their borderline and I’m extraordinary.”

The tiny wrestler who’s ego is much bigger than his tiny body didn’t last long. I assume that his lose to Courtney reminded him that he’s a little twerp. It must’ve been too much to handle.