Reality Ranker

Say it ain’t so Tool Academy. It is the last night of this epic show that has the ability to make mainly women feel much better about their lives because they know that they are lucky enough not to be with the men on the screen. If you are a woman who is into tools, then well, you’re just sad. These guys and gals should act as a warning of the type of people not to be with. I’ll force my future daughter to watch it to let her know which men to avoid, but I digress. It’s the last episode of the season; thus, it is time for some awards.

Best Hair: Jacob Tapia

Jacob’s hair makes him the big burly lion of the Tool Academy jungle. I wish he would wear his bandanna less, so we could see that mane in full force.

Most Pathetic: Kyle

Jennavecia’s boyfriend made himself into the biggest pathetic buffoon last week. His girlfriend is a huge, unrepentant tool and he just can’t figure it out. Before I had thought he had been a stronger person, but after last week, he is officially the worst of the show. He seemed to know how a person should act in a relationship.  So, it’s his fault if he can’t follow through on that.

Most Talented: Daniel

Not only is he known for his wonderful quote: “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife,” but he is the most talented tool. With his glow-stick abilities, he showed how talented a tool can be. Thank you Glow Stick Tool.

Least Talented: Jordan Alexander

He has high hopes for a career, but a) he can’t sing and b) he’s too old. Now, this goes out to Jordan. Here is my advice. Add up the ages of all of your favorite boy band members when they were selling the most albums, divide that by the number of all the boys, and you will realize that you are too damn old to be in a boy band.

Best Break-Up Moment: Courtney Barcellos

When her girlfriend left her behind, Courtney courageously ran after the limo crying and yelling about getting counseling. It was a beautiful break-up moment and one that I won’t forget.

Strongest Woman: Kate Vannatta

After everything, she has proved herself to be the strongest person at the Tool Academy. I still say hooray for her. I wish more women and men on the show would stand up and leave the fools that they are with.

Biggest Turn Around: Jacob Tapia

With his black hair band and luxurious hair, Jacob transformed himself on Tool Academy. Here’s hoping that he has actually changed.

On this week’s Tool Academy, the tools and their mates have to face their friends and family. The tool-mates have to show their loved ones how pathetic they are to stay with their tool. Similarly, the tools have to show their family the levels of their toolitude. In addition, as in previous seasons of Tool Academy, the tools and toolmates have to take care of a “baby.” It’s interesting this year that the tools did not get fetal pigs, but were stuck with plastic babies. Are they tools to heinous to be trusted with animals? This week there will be double list: ranking the lack of guilt shown in front of the parents and the parenting skills of the tools.

Lack of Guilt

3. Jacob Tapia

This Week's Angel

What has happened this week? I mean seriously Jacob broke down and cried. Were my eyes deceiving me? Since hell has frozen over, Jacob has become the front runner on the show. When he cried, he finally showed that he regrets what he has become. I guess good job?

2.Angelo Giannakos

Teary Tool did not disappoint and let the water works begin even before his horrid video was shown. His poor parents, their lack of English hurts their ability to communicate with Angelo. If he speaks Greek, he sure wasn’t helping them understand. He did his usual crying, but it’s starting to be unclear if all of the crying is just an act.

1. Jennavecia Russo

Actual MySpace Caption: Bend over BITCH...Take it like a MAN!

WOW! I can’t believe that this woman has not changed one bit. In previous episodes, she seemed to be maturing, but based on her behavior with her brothel-owning mother, she hasn’t. Instead of facing her problems, she and her family chose to laugh it all off. I like to cheat-hahahaha! Then, why are you even trying at Tool Academy? It was just perplexing.

Best Parents

3. Jennavecia

She is a model of a mother. Petty jealousy over who can take care of a fake baby makes perfect sense. Acting like a fool, cussing, and fighting around your baby are all the things I want to do as a mother. Thank you Jennavecia for your high standards.

2. Angelo

While not as bad, he and Dayna also engaged in bad behavior around their child. Throwing plates is not the best thing to do while holding a baby.

1. Jacob

Again, I’m awestruck, dumbfounded, and I can’t write any more words that can express my shock over this transformation. The winner at this point seems to be a done deal.

Special Note about the ousted Jennavecia: After poking around on the internet, I saw that this is her 2nd reality show.I’m surprised I hadn’t noticed it before. She was on Bad Girls Club 2 with Tanisha Thomas, who is now on Celebrity Fit Club. I’m always intrigued about the crossover reality TV star phenomenon. On the major networks like ABC, crossover is seen as a good thing, but on the cable shows, it is rarely mentioned, unless like Tanisha another show has made you a “celebrity.” One last note, Kyle is a pathetic excuse for a man. That was one of the worst “get in the limo” scenes that I have seen this season. UGH!!

Tonight’s Tool Academy was about trust. It brought us (say in a deep voice) “The Human Lie Detector Test.” She wonderfully revealed the lies that are still spewing from some of the remaining 4 tools’ mouths. Now, I’m not sure if the human lie detector is more effective than the machine, but it nicely switches up the cliched lie detector episode. Too bad that I forgot to write about that one in yesterday’s post.

Before “The Human Lie Detector Test,” the tool’s discussion about the test was pretty amusing. All of them were scared. If you don’t have anything to hide, then there should not be any fears. These tools were shaking in their boots. It was great to see stupid Kevin try to figure out how he was going to lie. Squirm Kevin squirm!

The Worst Liars are:

3. Kevin Craft and Angelo Giannakos

Obviously, these guys do not qualify as the worst liars. It was hilarious to see Dayna hug Angelo after finding out that he had not slept with any of her friends. Good Job Angelo!! Not using condoms and banging random women became acceptable. As for Kevin, despite the editing that made it look like he was going to lie, he finally revealed his infidelity to his wife. I can’t believe he was eliminated. Ughh!! That was the wrong choice. It means I have to go another week watching Jacob.

2. Jennavecia Russo

Her lie seemed pretty minor. Many women would say that they enjoy their sex lives, even though there might be issues. It’s understandable that she felt uncomfortable revealing a sexual problem to Kyle.

1. Jacob

After his pathetic performance, he should be called Compulsive Liar Tool. His comment, “I’m so thankful the truth came out,” was pretty hilarious, since he lied through most of “The Human Lie Detector Test.” His little lies show so much about him. Jacob  is not there to really change. He’s there to play the game, which he’s not even good at doing. He’s so lucky that he hasn’t been eliminated yet.

—Special News—

For the finale, Rachel, the girlfriend of Jordan the Boy Band Tool will be co-writing a blog post with me. Rachel and I will be giving various awards to the tools and their girlfriends. Keep checking back to read this exciting post.

With Norie (the actual Reality Ranker) out of town for a few days, I’ve agreed to do a few guest posts.  And what a weekend to get that honor!  Today I had the pleasure of watching not one, but two episodes of Tool Academy 3.  Since we got to see two episodes today, I though it would be appropriate to do a double list.

Tool Academy 3 – Power Rankings

So, first things first: after the dust of two episodes settled, we were down to the final four, so it’s about time for a new power ranking.  Since the list is so small, I’ve decided to up the difficulty by also trying to predict whether or not the tool’s partner will stay or go.

4.  Kevin Craft

In previous years he wouldn’t have made it past the first couple of weeks.  This year, though, the Toolitude has been at an all time high, so Kevin has somehow slipped through the cracks.  I predict that the Tool Academy catches on to his wily ways next week and sends him packing.  He is a smooth talker, though, and I think Jermika will use his top four finish as an excuse to stay with him.

3.  Jacob “JT Extreme”

He’s another one that wouldn’t have gone very far in previous seasons.  It’s too bad that he wasn’t on last season’s show, as he and Giant Tool would have been quite the ‘roid-raging duo.  Instead, we just get to see him pick on smaller guys.  Eventually, his anger will get the best of him and his golden flowing locks will be no more.  His girlfriend doesn’t seem too much better than him, though, so I think she’ll stay with him.

2.  Angelo Giannakos

He’s cried his way into the top four, and I think his over-active tear ducts will carry him into the final two.  He’s owned up to his past mistakes, and he seems pretty committed to really changing.  Maybe it’s all an act, but, regardless, I think he’ll outlast the other two men.  In the end, I think his hot-headed girlfriend could bring him down.  Nevertheless, I don’t see her being the first girlfriend in the final two to leave her man.  They’ll cry together and float away on a river of their co-dependent tears.

1.  Jennavecia Russo

I never would have thought it at the beginning of the season, but I actually think Jennavecia has a real shot at winning the whole thing.   I’m not sure that the changes will stick (I think Angelo has the best shot at making real changes in his life), but within the controlled environment of the Tool Academy, she seems to be making some strides.  She does seem to genuinely love her boyfriend, but I just don’t know if that’s enough to get past the deep-rooted psychological baggage that she seems to carry.  Maybe she can spend the $100,000 on a good therapist.

Tool Academy 3 – Ranking the Women

With each new season of Tool Academy, I become more and more convinced that the tool’s girlfriends (and now boyfriend) are the real stars of the show.  Bandana wearing douche bags are one thing, but the women that cling to them are something else.  So, with my second list, I’d like to honor the women who appeared in today’s episodes, and rank them according to how pathetic they really are.

Note: It was really hard to find pictures of the tool’s significant others.  My apologies.  It was, however amusing that the first picture that came up when I typed “tool academy 3 lesbian” into a Google search was a picture of Shawn Southern from season 1.

7.  Kate Vannatta – Her realization that Tommy needed to address his drinking, and then her willingness to take action are by far the strongest and most mature behaviors I’ve seen on any season of Tool Academy.  Way to go Kate!

6.  Cheron Rice – At the beginning of the season I thought she was pretty pathetic and had no idea why she would stay with someone who shows such disregard for her.  But, she stuck to her guns and ended her relationship with Courtney Barcellos when Courtney couldn’t make it through the Academy.  The image of Courtney running after the limo begging for her to take her back was reality TV gold, and something that I’m sure will give Cheron some satisfaction.

5.  Kyle – Sure, he’s a guy in a role that the show usually reserves for women, but that really shouldn’t matter.  What does matter is that he seems pretty mature and seems to have a clear sense of what needs to change for his relationship with Jennavecia to work.  She seems to be making real progress, and I think he has a lot to do with that.

4.  Christie – Something tells me she might be in it for the money.  If that’s the case, then she’s not pathetic, she’s an opportunist.  If she genuinely wants to be with Jacob, though, then she should be higher on the list.  I’m not quite sure about her, so being right in the middle is the best place for her… for now.

3.  Jermika – On the one hand, it would be a lot harder for her to leave Kevin since they are actually married.  For that reason, I’ll cut her some slack and assume that she’s using Tool Academy as a last ditch effort to save their marriage.  If she stays with him after his inevitable elimination, then she should be higher on the list (probably #1).

2.  Rachel – Her boyfriend doesn’t have a job (he’s 23).  He wants to be in a boy band (he’s 23!).  He expresses anxiety by taking “off my Michael Jackson glove” (seriously, he’s 23!!!).  Giving up women’s clothing was a big step for him.  Despite all this, when he got eliminated she stayed with him.  Sure, she seemed skeptical about him and doesn’t seem completely happy with her decision.  But still – reread all of this and ask yourself, would you even hesitate to dump him?  I thought not.

1.  Dayna – Sure, Angelo seems pretty committed to change.  But the things he said at the beginning of the show were some of the lowest, most disrespectful things that anyone has ever said on the show.  She should have got up and walked out right then and there.  There’s something to be said for helping someone who clearly has some major issues, but there’s also something to be said for self-respect.  She should have walked out on him in week 1.  The fact that she didn’t earns her the top spot on the list.

We’ve seen another week of VH1′s excellent Tool Academy 3.  Poor Daniel the glow stick hick went home today. He follows in the footsteps of many a country and/or high diploma challenged tools. I have to say though I was happy that he broke up with his girlfriend. It’s good when the tools finally realize that they are in bad relationships, because many times the girlfriends never figure that out.

Next week, I’ll rank the winner and the losers of Tool Academy 3. Be ready for my always accurate and well-researched picks.

Ever since the 1st season of Tool Academy, I have been amazed by the bedazzled Tool Academy jackets that the men wear. I’ve always wished that they would do a segment where we get to see the tools decorate, but alas the editors have not given me that one precious gift. So, to give the bedazzled outfits their due, here’s a ranking of the best blazers:

Honorable Mention: Jordan

OK..He isn’t wearing his bedazzled blazer, but he is wearing women’s underwear, a fish net stocking, leather boots, sunglasses, and a cowboy hat. How could he not be on this countdown? I’m glad that he finally decided that as a straight man he should get rid of his women’s underwear and thong collection. As for his blazer, I was surprised that it’s a simple one arm piece. I thought he would have the most ornate one.  There’s still time, though.  Maybe he’ll compensate for his lack of womens clothing with a spectacular blazer in upcoming episodes.

3. Tommy

All of the tools used glitter on their Tool Academy blazers. Tommy took the idea a step forward by applying zebra print to the lapels. Excellent choice!

2. Angelo

He decided to add to subtle feathers to his shoulders, a beautiful pink and blue eye, which stares into the souls of the other tools, and a heart. The eye should have tears coming out of it just to make it more “Angelo,” but overall these are excellent touches.

1. Jacob “JT Extreme”

Because he always takes things a bit too far, Jacob went with pink and white feathers. Do his lie down like Angelo’s? NO! They are raised and flutter when he walks around. He is poetry in motion.

A question to my readers: Why do the tools love bandannas? One tool even had a stack of them. It’s a trend that began in the 1st season of Tool Academy and still seems to be going strong. I wonder how long it will continue.

Can this really be a post? Aren’t all the tools from Tool Academy tools? Well, yes, but I want to separate the big tools from the baby tools.

10.Tommy Allen

Notable Quote: “Mexico rhymes with sexico, so let’s go.”

The amazing rhyming tool was pretty quiet this week. I expect that he might go far, because he might not need as much help.

9. Shawn Goble

Notable Quote: “Get screwed, brewed and tattooed.

The surfer tool also controlled himself this week. Since he’s a lazy turd, I assume that he’ll resist trying to be responsible and get an actual job.

8. Daniel

Notable Quote: “I’ve got a boner.”

He’s a “devoted glow sticker.” He almost cried when it came up in conversation. It’s all just so sad and funny.
7. Jordan Alexander

Notable Quote: “She’ll pay for my breakfast if I sleep over.”

When he bent over in his hot pink thong, his girlfriend noted that he had shaved his butt…sexy.  Much like Shawn, he will probably have an issue with getting a job, but he also seems to be incredibly egotistical. That’s not a good combination.
7. Angelo Giannakos

Notable Quote: –”This is the opportunity of a lifetime to win a hundred grand and get p*ssy. Those are the two things right there that I pretty much live by.”

He claims to have pleasured 200 women, which must be a completely truthful statement. His reaction after he found out that he was on Tool Academy was amazing. He sure looks hideous when he cries.
5. Kevin Craft

Notable Quote: “I don’t quit during sex. I don’t quit when I’m playing basketball. I’ve quit a few jobs, but hey I don’t really quit.”

He’s rated pretty high, because he has cheated on his wife, not his girlfriend, but his wife.

4. Jacob “JT Extreme”

Notable Quote: “Hoormph Hoormph.”

The former substitute teacher for Autistic students and wannabe wrestler is a smart one. I personally think that his hatred for Jennavecia is just a disguise for his undying love for her. Two tools together sounds like an awesome combination.

3. Jennavecia Russo

Notable Quote: “I’m not used to being tied up with my clothes on.”

She really needs some work. Her poor boyfriend has terrible taste in women.

2. Courtney Barcellos

Notable Quote: “All the men are crying because I take all their girlfriends.”

Bragging about a threesome is not a good thing to do, especially when your sweet girlfriend will be watching it. I do love that she pinned Chasyn. Good job!

1. Chasyn Rance

Notable Quote: “Their borderline and I’m extraordinary.”

The tiny wrestler who’s ego is much bigger than his tiny body didn’t last long. I assume that his lose to Courtney reminded him that he’s a little twerp. It must’ve been too much to handle.

Well, I was completely right. Some of you wrongly voted for Tyler, but I knew that he hadn’t made the changes that Terry had made. I hope they both have changed for the better!

After last week’s episode, it became clear that Charm was a tool, his girlfriend needs some self-respect, and that Stew’s time was limited. It’s hard to win when you’re a lazy turd. Special Note: I like to watch the Tools when the show premieres on Sunday morning, so I’m about to reveal my new rankings. I hope I don’t spoil anything for you.

2. Tyler Synon and Shea

Although he had shown more improvement in the previous weeks, the revelation that he had not apologized for calling his girlfriend a host of derogatory names is a problem. While I wouldn’t let him win because of his annoying hair and ear gauges, his relationship was not as troubled as Terry and Nicole’s. I do think that to win the money the tool should make an effort to look less toolish. I would love to see a make-over episode.

1. Terry “T-Shaw” Shaw and Nicole

He has definitely improved on many levels. He no longer randomly dances, has learned not to sleep with his girlfriend’s friends, and can take care of a baby pig. How can a man get better than that? Maybe never even having to go on “Tool Academy” should probably have been a goal for him.

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“Tool Academy” was so much fun last spring, never had so much douchebagery been assembled on one show. This fall the second installment has gone further. Tonight’s episode, the quintessential lie detector episode seen last season and on VH-1 dating shows revealed just how bad some of the men are. Enough with the writing and on with the ranking.

4. Charm and Andrea–Not only does he disgust me in so many ways: his outrageous ego, philandering (more than 10 women), and trash talking, but his bottom lip is way too big and too pink for his face. It was clear from the preview that he will be the first tool to storm out of the academy. Please Charm storm away and don’t grace us with your ug presence again.

3. Terry “T-Shaw” and Nicole–Wow he has got some issues. Boyfriends who sleep with your friends should definitely get the boot. I hope when he is eliminated, she makes the right choice and gets in the limousine by herself.

2. Stew and Amanda–In a way, Stew and Amanda are the country version of last spring’s winners. Tonight, he talked about his dream of buying a multitude of used trailer homes, renovating, and reselling them. What’s sad is that I actually considered that a good idea. I don’t think that they will win it all, but he hopefully has made some changes.

1. Tyler and Shea–The couple, 22 and 21 respectively, will probably end up going all the way. Considering their age, I hope that there is not a repeat of last season’s wedding with harpoons. Considering the magnitude of toolness this season, the TV wedding ender should be banned.

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Who will win Tool Academy?
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