Reality Ranker

I’ve had a realization, perhaps sparked by the insensitivities of Patti Stanger. I’m tired of spending time with reality shows and the people on them.

For almost 2 years, I have obsessively watched TV. Stretching my DVR to its limits all in a quest to watch it all, know it all, report it all. While this has been an amazing experience, I find that the thrill is gone. It’s become a chore. I don’t get paid to do this, so in essence, I toil for the love it and to strive to get more hits. I feel that I’ve reached some amazing goals and that in no way has this been a time waster. I’m just ready to move on and do other things that I enjoy.

I won’t completely give up blogging, by the way. Back in the summer of 2010, I had a blog for a month called “The News Scares Me” and have already restarted it on Tumblr. Basically, it pokes fun at crazy headlines and fear-mongering tactics used by the local media. This will be a much smaller blog and one that won’t consume 3 or more hours of my day.

Again, thank you everyone for reading. It’s been a pleasure. I’ve loved the comments, even when they were mean. Make sure to check out the new blog – The News Scares Me.

Alright, I’ve been quite slow with the Top Chef Just Desserts power ranking. I confess. I thought I had a magical skill, and then it seemed to slip through my fingers. I’ve been a bit reticent to go picking winners lately. Since this show is definitely getting more competitive and the weak have been separated from the strong, I will try to give it a shot.

8. Carlos Enriquez

With the last episode, he seems like he’s stuck in a rut.

7. Rebecca Mason

Yes, she’s from Houston, and that’s wonderful. If she had a store, I would totally go. I just feel that she’s literally too fragile for the competition. Her body and spirit keeps breaking.

6. Megan Ketover

She hasn’t won a competition. In other words, she’s skating by.

5. Orlando Santos

He has a massive ego, but like most contestants with ego issues, he rarely delivers.

4. Sally Camacho

I don’t see her winning, but she’s going to make it close to the end.

3. Matthew Peterson

He started strong and seems to be going through what might be a hiccup. If he can get past it, he’ll make it till the end.

2. Katzie Guy-Hamilton

She just keeps getting better.

1. Chris Hanmer

He also didn’t perform well in the last competition, but he has been a solid contender throughout. Good luck Chris!!

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

After watching only a couple minutes of Millionaire Matchmaker, I’ve found a pathway to millions. Make a heavy wooden box, place colorful plastic crap on it, and then claim that it measures salt crystals and other hooey. Then, rich idiots like Patti Stanger will hold my box and feel magically transported to zen land, but really they’re just holding onto a stupid box. It’s genius. Thanks Bravo!

Dr. Frank Stile

Who looks like his dog?

Well, Dr. Stile is my favorite kind of doctor…a plastic surgeon. Yes, he likes to look at women’s inaccuracies and figure out how to mold them into weirdo plastic pod people. As a person, he likes to wake up early like my father. The difference is is that my father doesn’t kick his wife out of bed. Frank feels that everyone should live according to his rules. He meets with one of Patti’s self-help people, Matt Bennett – Life Coach, and then is proclaimed magically fixed. He’s so miraculously better that he wakes up his date, Natalie, at 6:00 AM for a date. At least, he’s not a time waster. Then, the poor girl has to endure a Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) training session and sparring match with a professional female fighter, while Frank watched. Uber-creepy. Later on, during dinner, Natalie asks Frank questions, but damn question asking is way too much for Frank to handle.

Emma Ridley

The owner, of a pole dancing studio and former British wild child, asks Patti to get her a date. The issue with Emma is that she’s pretty happy with who she is and doesn’t want to change. She wants a certain type of man, but will have a very hard time attracting him. Patti attempts to make her over, but the make-under doesn’t stick. On her date with Kelly, she invites him to her pole dancing studio and puts on a show for him. He basically freaks out. The rest of the date is not horrible, but the mood has been squashed.

Who I Will Select

Do I want to be controlled by a guy who wakes up at 5 AM or a woman who likes to wear pink and pole dance? I say the latter. Frank would probably want to change my face or alter me in some way, which is weird, since he’s unattractive himself. Emma is just fun. Crazy as all hell, but really fun. She’s be good for a laugh, but I’d have to watch out for myself.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

Dang…this week has been reality news heavy. Here’s another dose.

6. Want to Rent or Buy a Reality House?

I don’t but here’s a link that’ll give you the prices of some of the famous reality TV homes.

5. Teresa Giudice is Hocking PearlBrite

You’re going to rush out and buy now, aren’t you?

4. The Taylor Armstrong Interviews

And it continues….

3. Ramona Singer Caused Jill Zarin to be Fired

The rumor is attributed to an unnamed source. Thus, it’s of the utmost reliability.

2. Maury Povich Comments on Reality Shows

Because Maury’s talk show signifies reality in every way, he has decided to critique the scripted world of reality TV. Talk shows might have real people on them, but I doubt that all of the situations presented are real. That doesn’t mean that the shows solicit actors, but people might just want to be on TV. I had a co-worker back in the 90s who faked a scenario for the Jerry Springer show. He and his friends wanted a ticket to Chicago and a free hotel room.

1. Bristol Palin has Gay-dar

Now, this is my first Palin related entry, but she’s filming a reality show. Basically, the teen mom was heckled, and in defending her mother’s honor, she made sure to point out the sexual preference of the heckler. I always do that in a fight. “Boy, are you straight? This is very important because I will choose my next insult based on your response.”

[Photo Credit: Pop Crunch]

In honor of this being the 14th episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, I don’t feel like editing down to 10 quotes. I will keep all 14. Let’s get started.

14. “I’m never going to get another haircut.” – Berkeley

I’m sure she’ll never break that vow.

13. “Carley’s alter-ego at pageants is Darla or Darley.” – Melissa

Why does she need an alter-ego? Why can’t she just be herself and be motivated to do it? To me, it shows she’s not into it so that she has to disassociate herself from it.

12. “I wish I did this when you were a baby. I wish we started when you were born.” – Melissa

No, psycho mother you would have screwed her up more.

11. “I think the girls this weekend are going to look different from me. The different thing about my dress is that they have the cupcake style and I don’t.” – Allesondra

The cheap mothers ultimately hurt the daughters. They could just not compete in pageants.

10. “I’m sick for the pageant. I just want to go to bed.” – Berkeley

It seems like your parents should put you to bed instead of making you do a pageant.

9. “You are going to be a very sorry girl. Your iPod will be gone.” – Melissa

A 5 yr.old doesn’t deserve one anyway.

8. “She ripped off her eyelashes on stage. What would possess you to rip them off on stage?” – Melissa

Because she doesn’t like them or pageants. It’s not that hard to understand the motivations of a 5 yr. old.

7. “If I don’t win, I’m gonna be pissed.” – Carley

I think psycho mom must have said that a bit too much.

6. “I wanted it my normal color. My normal hair is brown. I don’t want highlights. I want my hair back to brown.” – Carley

A child’s hair doesn’t need to be colored and by extension damaged. There’s no reason for it.

5. “I don’t want to do this anymore with these stupid eyelashes.” – Berkeley

No haircuts and no fake eyelashes, Berkeley needs to toughen up and learn how to be a proper woman.

4. “Carley is as close to an exact replica of me as there could ever be and I feel like her and I are the same person. We live the same life and we are best friends and I just feel that is me on stage.” – Melissa

I know that is why you are a psycho, horrible mother. Find a life of your own for the sake of your child.

3. “What I don’t like about the glitz pageants is what are the judges judging? Are they judging how much fake attire that the contestant is adorned with or are they really judging the little girl?” – Alane

That’s a pertinent question.

2. “We’re going into that restaurant and getting you a Mountain Dew. You gotta step it up.” – Melissa

Yes, psycho mom will force you to drink sugary drinks…force!!

1. Melissa: “I love those fish net stockings.” Carley: “Yeah but they’re not appropriate.”

It’s disturbing when a daughter has to tell her mother what is appropriate.

[Photo Credit: Screen Captures Mine]

The headlines just keep coming.

7. Yep Dance Moms Has Two More Episodes

Here are exclusive pictures from tonight’s episode.

6. Top Chef Texas Starts with 29

Yes, 29 contestants will be in the first episode.

5. Best Impersonation of Ramona Singer

It’s hilarious and the accent is amazing.

4. Now, Taylor’s A Drunken Mess

There are Taylor Armstrong headlines every day.

3. Jill Zarin’s Blabbing about Someone Else to Stay Relevant

Who might it be? If you guessed Taylor Armstrong, then you deserve a gold star.

2. The New RHONYC Housewives

They could be Aviva Drescher, Heather Thomson, and Carole Radziwill.

1. Why I Can’t Cover 16 and Pregnant

Josh Rendon and Ebony Jackson’s house was searched by Child Protective Services. Every room had human and dog feces on the walls.

Considering that Taylor could be a con artist, it makes me feel weird to take everything that she says on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills at face value. I’m not saying that she’s lying, but then well maybe I am. I just don’t know. It makes me quite confused.  Does anyone else feel that way?

10. Kim Richards: “Taylor is in a suitcase.”
Taylor Armstrong: “I want to go home.” 

I don’t want Taylor in a suitcase. She fits in one nicely, though.

9. “We’ve got bills to pay. Get to work lazy ass.” – Lisa VanderPump

Poor Ken Todd should get to retire if he wants.

8. “You do not need him to be OK. You need yourself to be OK.” – Kyle Richards

Well…it looks like his mental needs also needed to be taken care of.

7. “Right now I’ve got a suit of aluminum.” – Taylor Armstrong

No…probably tissue paper.

6. “She sounded like she was intoxicated.” – Paul Nassif

She did. Oi! I really don’t want this to be the season where Kim is outed. I for some reason have a soft spot for her. I want her to be able to change privately.

5. “Are you in love with him or afraid of being alone?” – Adrienne Maloof

I think the question has more to do with money.

4. “I have no idea what she said.” – Lisa VanderPump

After the chef announces the dinner, Lisa says the above. Had she been so shocked by Taylor’s issues that her brain was unable to work? Or is the woman who owns two restaurants ignorant about food?

3. “You’re having a nervous breakdown.” – Adrienne Maloof

I really don’t think someone should decide to tell an unstable person that they are having a nervous breakdown and then go on to tell them to snap out of it. Mental issues don’t resolve themselves so neatly.

2. “I feel very hurt by Kim to have had those allegations thrown out at me and to hear how she actually feels about me.” – Mauricio Umansky

So it was OK for his wife to have said hurtful things to Kim, but not the other way around? That’s really strange logic to me.

1. “I feel bad for Taylor, but we’re on vacation come on.” – Kyle Richards

So she’s a friend in Beverly Hills, but not much of one on vacation.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

Here’s an update of the biggest news.

4. Joe Giudice Pleads the 5th

He’s dropped the bankruptcy and now doesn’t want to speak about any of it. Why the change of heart Juicy Joe?

3. Kim Zolciak’s Spin-off that I Won’t Watch

Yep, she’s getting a Bethenny-esque show. I was bored by Bethenny’s show. I sure won’t be tuning into Kim’s…well…unless it’s fun and trashy.

2. Top Chef’s Battle Island

Because Top Chef wants me to spend even more time in front of a screen, they will be airing online episodes where ousted contestants will battle against each other. The winner will return for the finale.

1. Taylor Armstrong the Grifter

The Daily Beast has investigated Taylor Armstrong and her business relationship with Russell. It’s quite interesting.

[Photo Credit: STC Cooks]

In this Real Housewives of New Jersey post, I’m attempting to wash away the negative fight between Kathy and Teresa. They just rehashed the past anyway. I’m going to imagine that the Jersey group had a spectacular, yet awkwardly sexual time in Punta Cana. Relive the magic with me.

10. “Since you got your period, we’ll sleep in two separate beds.” – Joe Giudice

So now he’s following traditional Biblical rules.

9. “What’s this [sniffs underwear]?” – Joe Gorga

He has no shame.

8. “I think the two Joes are trying to move forward and that’s all that we can ask for.” – Melissa Gorga

Moving forward physically should be very easy for them.

7. “We all know who’s going to look the best. Moi?” – Teresa Giudice

Nothing against Teresa, but she didn’t look the best.

6. “I’m feeling super sexy. There’s no competition there. I mean did you see. Is there any competition?” – Teresa Giudice

If a comparison had to be made, Melissa is more attractive. She’s no less obnoxious when she opens her mouth (OK maybe a bit less), but she’s definitely more attractive. They don’t compare to #1, though.

5. “Family and friends that’s all that matters…at least some family.” – Joe Giudice

That Joe, he’s a positive guy.

4. “That didn’t look like a bathing suit. It looked like a stripper outfit.” – Albie Manzo

I think that Teresa looks like a stripper most of the time or at least a stripper who just went on a shopping spree.

3. “Just go so I can get through this day.” – Caroline Manzo

If I had to be around those ladies, I’m sure they would give me a migraine, too.

2. “They like shiny things. Well then, Teresa and Melissa are f%&ked.” – Lauren Manzo

Where were the sharks to eat them both?

1. “Everyone knows there can only be one Punta Princess. It looks this is going to be a fierce competition.” – Kathy Wakile

The Punta Princess has to be Jon Lovitz aka Rich Wakile. He’s always a princess in my book.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV]

Dance Moms is coming to halt in a couple of weeks, but not before we get to see the Candy Apples face off. Yet it wasn’t really a face-off at all. The kids were no competition. Let’s assess.

10. “I can’t believe that she picked her boyfriend over her kids.” – Christi

It seems like a smart decision, since Maddie will get one-on-one time with Abby Lee Miller.

9. “I’m at Candy Apples Dance Center plotting my revenge.” – Cathy Jean Nesbitt-Stein

What revenge woman? You decided to not participate. There’s nothing for you to avenge.

8. “While we’re here, we rented the same studio that Britney Spears and Lady Gaga rehearse in. Nothing’s to good for my girls.” – Abby Lee Miller

Or Lifetime’s pocketbooks.

7. “I’m scared that Abby’s going to be mad at me.” – Paige

She was more aggravated with Kelly.

6. “My sister’s going to take those apples down.” – Maddie

She did.

5. “I chose Chloe’s song for Taylor to psyche them out.” – Cathy Jean Nesbitt-Stein

Oh No! What will happen? Uh…Nothing

4. “I wasn’t put on this earth to make her feel special. I was put on this earth to make her dance.” – Abby Lee Miller

She has a point.

3. “Don’t cry. It’s all your fault to begin with.” – Abby Lee Miller

Kelly created all of the issues with Abby. It’s fine to disagree and want to move on, but then move far away. Don’t move on with another choreographer next door.

2.  ”If Candy Apples and Abby Lee Center clashed, it’d be like a boxing match.” – Cathy Jean Nesbitt-Stein

And Abby Lee would win in the 1st round.

1. “My name is Shangela. Today I’m here to tell you a little a bit about performance art, about being sickening, and about really working it when you were out there, right?” – Shangela Laquifa Wadley

The girls all need a crash course in sickening, but maybe they need it from a real drag queen. I know Shangela well….from reality TV.

[Photo Credit: Screen Captures Mine]